96. The Week in Me
In which I take the Mixed Feelings speed-dating survey.
(the hot girl summer I wish I saw having; instead I just sweat a lot)
I’m doing another reading in Philly! Thank you
for including me:
This week in the Divorced Diaries, I decided to take the recent
questionnaire from the speed dating event they recently hosted with Tinder and answer that here for all of you.
TIER 1: LIGHT FARE
who was your first queer fictional crush?
The pursed lip that shook the (my) world. what’s something you just don’t understand the hype about?
Top Gun: Maverick. I watched it last week in a Glen Powell marathon (Maverick, Anyone But You, Everybody Wants Some!!) and it was far and away the weakest entry. Glen Powell is not even given the chance to be incredibly hot that often. Top Gun: Maverick is a movie that made me want to grind MILES TELLER’s little mustache into powder. Thank Xenu that L. Ron Hubbard has seventy-two Sea Org servants waiting in thetanic paradise for Cruise in the great cruise-ship-docked-in-international-waters-to-avoid-extradition in the sky, because he’s not seeing Heaven if I have a damn thing to say about it. MILES TELLER HOT. I’ll KILL myself.who do you reply to first: your mom, friend, or co-worker? My mother because she’ll give you about three minutes before she starts calling.
which musician would write the soundtrack to your life? Avery Mandeville of Little Hag, who I interviewed recently!
if i came over for dinner, what would you cook for me? Oh baby I do not cook. Asking me to learn to cook is misogyny and it will not be allowed in my home. You go cook. There’s a Parks and Recreation series boxset in my unplugged stove.
pitch me your favorite film, tv show, or book *Tyra Banks voice* You wanna fuck God? Watch Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s Fleabag and have your soul goosed out through your sphincter.
what’s your queer “calling card”? I don’t know how to fucking sit.
rank from worst to best: your top 5 alternative milks Rice, coconut, hemp, oat, soy (I am allergic)
TIER 2: WEIRD AND WONDERFUL
describe your reels/tiktok algorithm. I do not have TikTok. I do not watch Reels. If you send me a Reel and it is not five seconds in length and of a prairie dog in a little button-down shirt I will delete my entire thread with you to get that shit out of my inbox and life. Sam is the only person allowed to send me TikToks because she sends me ones that validate my breakup insanity.
what’s a sapphic tv show you know you should watch but haven’t yet? I have not seen a single episode of The L Word. I don’t know who Shane is. I just googled her. The Canal Street-does-Sally Hershberger follicular situation….I will not be streaming.
what is your favorite weird, local place to recommend to people? Matt and I went to Blobfest every year, a word I can’t so much as type without getting misty now. But go to Blobfest, because I don’t think I’ll ever get to again. It wouldn’t feel right.
’s blog is also the best place in the world to visit for interesting local New York happenings.what parts of your sign/chart do you identify with? what parts don’t you identify with? As a Cancerian, I am a nurturer and I love my lil nest with my chickens. I do not cry often, and I do not have the hard shell of a literal crab.
in-unit dishwasher or laundry? I would pay about 500 dollars more a month for my apartment if it had a dishwasher.
first fandom you lost yourself in? Related to Keeks Knightley up there, I was a proud participant in the…I shit you not, Pirates of the Caribbean IMDb chatroom.
what’s a funny video that is fundamental to your lore? I have loved Mikey Day’s ass for a long, looooong time. I think if a man gave me a 7-Eleven cup full of Cheez-Its in lieu of a bouquet I would deactivate Raya on the spot.
TIER 3: DEEP CUTS
what’s the one embarrassing moment that keeps you up at night? First time I gave a handy to a guy (hi, Jimmy) he unzipped and unfurled it and I went “Oh, that’s what one looks like.” Not me coming in without even a glance at the user manual.
would you rather see the person you’re dating 2 days a week or 7 days a week, and why? Two. I got engaged four months after entering my last relationship, and look where that got me. I want long-term commitment but I have to need to be far more discerning about entering it before life’s challenges rise to greet us.
what’s your favorite romance trope? (ie. friends to lovers, love triangle, enemies to lovers, innocent couple/horrible parents) No love triangles ever again, Jesus Christ. Right now, I’m going to shock myself and my Disneyfied, forties-banter, knight-in-shining-Nissan visions of love and thunder and say that I really need to be leaning into the Kelly Taylor “I choose me” trope.
if we weren’t here, what would we be doing right now? In my fantasy, cruising down the highway to go have dinner at the Menlo Park Mall Rainforest Cafe. In reality, reading about Tim Walz's cool wife Gwen who is passionate about education for the incarcerated. You’re next to me feeding me carrots in hummus.
what’s the biggest red flag you ignored because the person was hot? His friends were Johnny Depp supporters. HOW. ME??! HOW.
kids or pets? I do not use the word “pets".” Simone and Lugosi are my human children that grew inside of my belly and who I gave birth to vaginally in a hospital maternity ward. Thank you.
what’s a conspiracy theory you fully believe?
do you believe in soulmates? I only believe in soulmates when that person begins to unfurl me from every corner and I tell myself we are Tristan and Isolde with iPhones. (But yes, because of my babies. I think soulmates are not limited to/defined as romantic connections.)
TIER X: IF YOU DARE ;)
what historical figure would you let haunt you as a ghost? Le Maupin. I need to learn how to flirt with women.
what’s the hottest mythical creature and why? Centaurs because they’re hung like hor-
you can only have one for the rest of your life: eye contact or physical contact Dude, I have dated so many neurodivergent people that I don’t think “eye contact” cracks the top fifty things I’m looking for in a partner.
when you say, match my freak, what is your “freak”? Lets me bejeweled (embraces my love of Neil Diamond) and doesn’t take my depression personally.
To read:
“Congress Accidentally Legalized Weed Six Years Ago”: When lawmakers voted to allow hemp production in 2018, they quietly opened the door to legal THC in all 50 states. By Mike Riggs for The Atlantic
93. The Week in: Sam Runge
Sam Runge hails from Green Bay, Wisconsin, and is the proud adoptive parent of a snaggle-toothed whippet named Otis. His poetry emphasizes the ways in which the manipulation of form conveys ugliness, intimacy, and identity. Sam will begin his PhD in English at the University of Buffalo in the fall of 2024. More of his work can be found in
Violet Affleck, 18, Makes Impassioned Speech Against Mask Bans in Los Angeles Government Building - This speech caught mainstream attention because of Violet’s parents, but I’m grateful to have this compassionate, bright young mind in the trenches with us no matter who raised her.
“i formed a body polluted
by want most of it not mine” -
TO THE WINDOWWWWW, TO THE WALZ! Thank god the Harris campaign didn’t select avowed Zionist Josh Shapiro, man. “Josh Shapiro Is a Bad VP Pick Any Way You Look at It,” from
at The NationLearn more about our prospective Second Lady Gwen Walz:
This is literally just Simone:
This is literally just Lugosi:
Actually my babies:
Various and sundry:
My recent Muppets post did NUMBERS, man.
discussed it on TikTok and Instagram:
Thank you to the many, many new subscribers who saw this and made their way over here! Let me know in the comments what your Muppet Big 3 is!
Matt Williams sent me this and it’s me, except I’d never eat Velveeta because I am a real Italian and my DNA is double helixes of Fiore’s mutz:
He shared the following: “Cheese Louise, hang onto your crackers and buckle up for 37 seconds of breath-taking advertising. In one of the most unhinged and somehow, un-noticed advertising strategies, Velveeta brought us the second coming of Amy Winehouse. It just so happens that the new Ms Winehouse (Sofia Engberg), does nothing more than give her best sultry stare to a crowd of people moving through an open market while taking one bite of Velveeta mac n cheese from a fanny pack. You read that correctly.
One singular, exquisitely cheesy bite of mac n cheese, from a fanny pack. The hair, the gold chains, the crocheted top, a gold spoon, and an unnaturally orange cheesy glow. If there were points for smutty advertising without the use of words, this would win. My only real question, whose idea was this, and when can we get another one? And to a point, who got to eat the rest of it? I feel like this is right up Tarantino's alley. “
I watched this with Simone in my arms and she loved it:
Tiktok failed to load.Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
Love you bitches,
TG
 | A guest post by
|
TIL Mikey Day is in David Blaine Street Magic????? This is one of my favorite youtube videos from the youtube days of yore.