Jeff Ho-ldblum

A list of things this Jeff Goldblum interview with @hellotefi at the Met Gala made me:

@hellotefilil surprise at the end 👀 #jeffgoldblum #arianagrande #metgala2024 #metgala @The Met @TikTok

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• Scream the entirety of John Dunne’s “The Flea” while both eyes twitch in time with the meter

• Watch it fifteen more times to completion, aware and willfully ignorant of the subway patrons around me

• Lament my personal flatfootedness for my inability to wear heels

• Think that he might like a short bitch, who knows

• Remember he was married to Geena Davis, so probably no

• Suffer

• Suffer but while answering a work email

• Rewind to the part where he takes that LONG look downward after saying “coming from you, that’s high praise indeed”

• Think of Andy Samberg doing the Nic Cage impression on Saturday Night Live

• Look up his wife’s cup size and proffer a satisfied smirk

• Feel so guilty of internalized misogyny that I consider a vote for Kamala Harris in 2028 2026 and a half in a special election, let’s be real real

• Immediately reconsider because mama, that’s a cop

• Stream “doomsday” by Lizzy McAlpine for three hours straight, in a horny way

• Hang myself by mine own entrails

• Text my friend Kelsey “no deadass if we don’t buy tickets to his little orchestra concert this summer I will kill us both lmao but also very seriously”

• Mentally tally the batteries rolling around my bedside table

• Show the guy whose whole job is to make sure the gate 213 bus riders aren’t screenshotting their bus tickets in the morning to get a freebie ride home my bus ticket that I only purchased because he was there today…otherwise I would have screenshot that shit

• Wonder why Jeff Goldblum has not yet done a Yorgos Lanthimos picture

• Once again think that Emma Stone really didn’t need that second Oscar

• Get a little pissy about it, she already has one and it was RECENT!

• Realize that I may actually need to watch the interviewer fuck Jeff more than I need to watch myself fuck Jeff (I do not want to see my upper arms tracing themselves down the back of a man that thin)

• Google Groupons for emergency sex CoolSculpt

• Realize I’d let him hit it in the dark and just focus on the voice like a Calm app bedtime story gone horribly, vaginally sentient

• Wonder what Jeff Goldblum smells like, not for the first time

• Assume that whatever cologne he wears has a mist of vetiver, because he finds the word fanciful

• Think about Jeff Goldblum saying the word “vetiver” and realize how short my dress is

• Order a copy of Transylvania 6-5000 on Blu-Ray/DVD

• Ask myself if I bought the Claritin yesterday

• Confirm that I in fact bought the Claritin

• Realize I, a good (submissive) little Jewish girl, have never fucked a good *big* Jewish boy

• Ask myself why I paid for Raya but not J-Date

• Wet on the 7 train (but that might just be the sweat)

• Tell you it’s the sweat but it’s not

• Coat shop on Amazon the entire bus ride to Hoboken