The 2024 Met Gala
80. “Sleeping Beauties: Reawakening Fashion” left me a bit sleepy.
Shalommmmmmmmmm!
A year ago, I wrote an exhaustive Met Gala style recap. This year, much like Backstreet, I’m:
(What I would give for this to be next year’s theme. Also, has anyone ever learned from where they were…coming back?)
A note from
to start: “The Condé Nast Union is prepared to go on strike, bringing management to the bargaining table Monday with a work stoppage pledge signed by a majority of members.”And an update!!!!
We are anti-capitalism here, but, and maybe hypocritically I know, pro-serving-cuntpitalism.
Onward.
Girl, this is just me without contouring please be serious??
He actually wore this, which is Lee Pace in The Fall teas (I haven’t seen The Fall):
As of writing this, Sarah Jessica Parker has not shown up dressed as a fellow Sanderson *leaps an octave* SIS-TAHHHHH!
The next slide contains…Tilly Joel (?!!) wearing some flowers on her boobies.
I like Yassified Owen Wilson’s jacket.
This would be an A+ look on most attendees, a B on Jordan Roth, and unfortunately at least a C- on Zendaya. It’s beautiful but not luxury. It looks like a rejected costume from this Broadway run of The Wiz, which I cherished…the costume I woulda eased on down the road to Marshall’s to get my store credit. The colors make ZENDAYA COLEMAN look sallow, jaundiced with the makeup, which would not have offended her beauty if paired with, say, her Joan D’Arc look with its brighter silver tone.
Those grapes are gonna fall off. Is Law Roach next?
Every nonbinary freak (complimentary) I know is weeping as if Cole Escola was the Pope swanning by a bunch of Polish grandmothers.
The outfit fits great. I love the lipstick. I wish the shoe was a purer white and without a tan sole to match the skirt suit, but that is my single only complaint. A favorite.
This pale turquoise shade needs to fuck back off to 2003 and die. Seeing this makes me feel like I am shopping for my eighth grade graduation outfit at BP Nordstrom. This color hangs there in camisoles, bubble dresses, and culottes. Get it the fuck away from me.
His suit is doing 👁️ 👄 👁️:
This is Gustav Magnar Witzøe, who is a “Norwegian billionaire and significant shareholder of salmon fish farming company SalMar ASA. He is one of the youngest billionaires in the world, his father having made him SalMar's main shareholder for inheritance tax purposes when he was 18.” Can you imagine how embarrassed some of these hoes are knowing they got upstaged by A FISH GUY?!
This soft gladiator look is resplendent, and made me think of the Eternal Gardens scene of Metropolis. Fritz Lang’s Metropolis, not Francis Ford Coppola’s Melatoninopolis or whatever it’s called.
Would wear every piece of this alone or together. The early guests really turned it out!
“I, too, auditioned for Daisy Jones & The Six.”
This is what Molly Shannon would wear to play Sally O’Malley hosting the Oscars.
Rebecca I love you work but BITCH MOVE, I NEED TO SEE YOUR HUSBAND!
Do you think Katy Perry has spent her career just trying to catch up to Jordan Roth?
A lot of people just dressed up as “sand,” but when your body looks like this can any single one of us object? This dress looks like it is quicksand she is trapped in, in every pleasing way.
Can not psychologically handle men in Frasier Crane zoot suits again. Please let me see your cheeks! PLEASE LET ME SEE YOUR CHEEKS!
I am so happy that someone did something fun and weird and outrageously pastel. I also adored J. Harrison Ghee’s performance in Some Like It Hot. They exuded gender euphoria from end to end of the production. My date Michael Dale told me that that was the most he has ever heard me emote during a show. I squealed, I sighed, I swooned. And 93% of that was because of J. (The rest was the tap dance chase scenes.)
SOMEone is campaigning to play the young version of Ian McKellen in some 1920’s closeted gay lovers story and you know what, let him have it. He had to do those stupid sexy movies.
I love the suit so much. I need it in a curvy woman’s fit. The facial hair is firmly out of the catalog Dr. Robotnik peruses at the barber’s, and somehow that lends perfectly to the light sinister touch of the theme.
This is, in fact, Josh O’Connor. Oopsie, Vogue! (Unless these are couture Crocs, these look like un-broken-in Birkenstocks and I weep with woe for his feet.)
….he did not.
Teyana Taylor is a perfect woman and Iman Shumpert is a GOOF.
A GOOF, do you hear me? A. GOOF.
Are Greta Lee’s agents seeing this and submitting her for Tinkerbell or Puck first, do you think?
If Jimmy Stewart doesn’t put down those damn binoculars and marry her already…
Stylist needs to be shot in the head for doing that to her boobs. It is a scalp graze for what is one of the most incandescent masterpiece dresses I have ever beheld. I want it in black, and white, and this silvery tone. Bury me in it.
Alia Bhatt’s springtime sari is a contender for look of the night. Regal, textured, unspeakably elegant, youthful, coquettish, perfection.
JEREMY STRONG AND HIS CUNTY LITTLE EARRING HIVE RISE!!!!!
Luann de Lesseps is, unfortunately given her toxic history, the most beautiful woman in the entire world that is not my cat Simone.
Stellar. Poster literal-child’s-face for macrobiotic diets. Like Demi Moore says in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle (say it with me now, fellow queers): “I was never good. I was great.”
It is a crying shame she did not bring her literal one-pound dog, Pilaf, though. Pilaf loves a costume:
We have apparently reached the black arrows segment of the night:
I wish the shoe and the lining were black. If that is my complaint, we are in S-tier.
I’m a little pissy that Diane von Furstenberg’s Target capsule collection only has a 15-day return window, but since I got store credit I will say that I love the dress because it is DVF and I have taste:
“God, he’s such a lech,” I moaned.
I worship this dress, which has to be Marchesa, and would buy it on the condition it goes towards her therapy copays. (Georgina’s ex-husband is Harvey Weinstein.)
I love leather so much that it is the first word in a poem I wrote where I list my influences. I say this to say that EVEN I would not be able to wear this (perfect) Billy Joel on 1980’s safari suit that Taika Waititi is wearing. My pussy would melt OFF of my body. Slither out and across the rainforest like a fucking hermit crab leaving its shell for a new duplex across town.
Rita’s hair looks like….she was sweating it out herself under a little wHig or something but the outfit is a dream, for her body and for the theme. Can’t believe these crazy kids found each other!
MORE. SAND.
This time, at least Arnold Vosloo is getting rightly paid for the pleasure.
Gardens do have fungus! This is on theme!
She won. Elle Fanning is my look of the night. You can’t top this. It is as ephemeral as it is ephereal. The wet look is masterfully executed. For once I am THRILLED to see a nude toe and an open shoe. The jewelry adds to the shine but doesn’t distract, as does her fresh face. immaculate. Winner. Go watch her in The Great, Neon Demon, or literally any role she has done. She is a menace and I am so lucky I get to watch her work.
Sebastian Stan just dressed up as me going to get groceries. Third place!
“Lena Mahfouf” sounds like an Austin Powers character name but I mahfoufing LOVE this structural top, and the amount of coverage she wisely opted for everywhere else. The flash of hip to the side is delicious. The fit of this skirt could have been catastrophic for her proportions, but while I wonder as to her comfort walking the carpet, the drape of it is divine.
When is Yellowjackets coming back?
Spring velvet! The fit. The neckline. The air and simple makeup (as if she needs much, ever). The train. Sublimeeeeeeeee.
Oh no, baby, the Furiosa premiere is next week!
I think the men upstaged the women this year. KISS FROM DADDY, INDEED.
KILLLLLLLLL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Not on theme, doesn’t have to be. That’s the fucking Priest, baby!!!
Oh, thank Tom Holland, she saved it. So much better. Breath of fresh!!!
When I got this text from
….
I should not have been. Kelsey is always right, and my close personal friend Mike Shannon is a delight.
Love you whores,
TG
I would have to agree with Monique. I love your commentary. LOL Gwen Christie was EVERYTHING... I know they can't bring her back in "Wednesday" but I really hope they can find a way because she was fabbity-fab in that series. Was not a fan of either one of Zendaya's outfits. :/ Agree with you on Lea Michele's outfit. That "soft gladiator look" is honestly pretty cool and that dude is brave for wearing it. He's pretty to look at, too. Rebecca's blue flower dress was absolutely beautiful, as was Elle Fanning's. Alia Bhatt's, and Tyla's "sand" dress. Disappointed in Jamie Dornan's look. He could've done the scruffy look better if he'd cleaned up the neck area. I'm curious how all the ladies with the headpieces and puffy skirts sat down. Comfortably. Or if they changed/removed anything when they went inside? Also, what happens at the Met Gala? Are people honored? Given awards? Or is it just a way for everyone to gather and have a big dinner together? Just curious. Keep posting these. I truly enjoy reading them.
You are the commentary person that E! always needed.