The Men of Southern Charm: Power Rankings
More like White Power Rankings with these people lmao anyway here’s a Southern Charm post!
I love the very vapid reality television program Southern Charm. There is a man who is the hero of the show who runs a decorative pillow brand and thinks pandas are a MK Ultra initiative. There is a woman named Madison who is the most beautiful woman that has ever been alive and a man named Austen who looks like a thumb had a threesome behind her back. My favorite woman on the show is now a homesteader. It was one of the only things this year that made me look forward to waking up the next day. I asked reality TV commentator RealityByAshley to help me rank the absolute nightmare characters that dwell in Charleston and Miss Pat’s living room.
Rankings by Ashley, photos captioned by Tara.
1. Whitney Sudler-Smith:
RBA: Whitney is clearly the most influential/powerful because he created the show and still plays puppeteer from behind the scenes. I’ve gotten flack for not acknowledging the gravity of his ickiness so I will use this opportunity to do so.
TG: You’re correct. He is too rich to have to do this for a living, so this is a power trip for him. He is the Joe Francis of this show, and unfortunately Kathryn Dennis is every girl who has been drunkenly coerced to take her top off on spring break in Miami. I assume that he wrote himself off the show since being executive producer was an easier way to spend his day and he didn’t want to see any more tweets about how ridiculous his Hives rockstar cosplay was, but I also feel that he cleverly escaped the accountability he would be expected to take if we saw him gaslight Kathryn on the show any further. It would have been all downhill for him as rumblings about him online now indicate, that he’s a world-class sleaze (see his despicable fat-shaming of Molley this season), and that is off of ONE appearance at a Miss Pat party. For this shrewd move to hide in plain sight, you are correct, he is numero uno.
RBA: I love comparing him to Joe Francis but whereas Girls Gone Wild will always have a bit of nostalgia associated with the evilness I fear Whitney will not be left with the same legacy.
2. Thomas Ravenel
RBA: Thomas is directly responsible for the destruction of Kathryn which is a central focus of this series even in seasons they’re not included in. No one could take Thomas down except himself, so based on that he’s number 2.
TG: Foghorn fucking Leg-in-a-bear-trap-Horn himself. Mitch McConnell injected The Substance and out came former South Carolina Treasurer Thomas Jonathan Jackson Ravenel. I hate this man. I see red like in Kill Bill when I see this man. I want him to die, and then to mount and stuff him in Miss Pat’s living room so every time we have one of her themed party nights selected from a 1930’s book written by Klan wives about hosting themed events I can be reminded that he is dead and that the evil is defeated. Malodorous presence. A Republican, even. Had those people under his thumb because he had a dark wood office and fancy letterhead or and then got caught doing lines off the US Constitution. Somehow it took like 6 years after THAT for him to get written off this show. That’s power, if by power I mean white supremacy. And in the world of Southern Charm, where I am SHOCKED that Venita has melded so well with this group, I do mean it. I pray for those kids.
3. Michael Kelcourse, “Michael the Butler” (RIP):
RBA: As far as power rankings are concerned, if women were included in this Patricia would be at the top… she wouldn’t listen to any of 4-10 over Michael if it came down to it. May he rest.
TG: A kind man, and a loyal one. I genuinely enjoyed his relationship with Miss Pat, and I think that he respected her not solely for a paycheck, and she respected him not solely for his mixology, but as a friend. Their fast-food runs were the perfect interstitial content for the show, and the way that she and Whitney didn’t discard Michael after his medical emergency somewhat endeared me to those horrible House of Usher ghouls. I love what you said about Michael’s ranking through Patricia’s eyes, and I think that IS the key here: who does Patricia respect the most of this ensemble? If we had included the women, which I didn’t do because I do not want to have to talk about Cameron Eubanks’ pick-me boy’s girl bullshit ever again, Madison and Michael would probably tie for first of the recent/current cast (I take his memorial title card at the end of the latest episode as an appearance, damnit) for first, with Whitney second. Madison is over Whitney, ten thousand percent. She wishes that were her child instead. I would too.
RBA: Co-signing Cameron as the villain. Madison is just perfection. She has her problematic elements but I’d still rather have her hair than Whitney’s.
4. William Shepard "Shep" Rose III:
RBA: The top 3 I consider to be old school, and to lead the pack of the “younger” (Shep wishes) group would definitely be Shep. I’ve tweeted that he’s top of the pecking order of the main guy group and that he thinks he’s in charge of Craig and no one disagreed.
TG: He has a DOG named LITTLE CRAIG. And I think it’s a George Foreman situation where, to quote Nicki Minaj, “all these bitches [his] sons!” He thinks because he’s 73 years old and wears a belt to match his shoes that he’s the father. He’s Taylor’s father, too, and he’s not a good one. (Let me tell you how happy I am that that girl found a MAN, even though his name is Gaston like lmao imagine moaning that name during lovemaking and not breaking into “no one’s neck is incredibly thick as Gaston” couldn’t be MOI.) Shep thinks he leads and guides but really harangues Austen and Craig alike, and will happily triangulate them against each other to maintain his footing (on their necks) at any ole time. Of the three men, at the moment if I were to shoot one of the three boys with a gun it would have to be Austen for how he ran that beautiful Olivia Flowers ragged but Shep has a profound overseer energy that fills my belly with dread when I see him talk to a woman, any woman, or my Craiggy.
RBA: I’d moan Gaston’s name simply because he plays Baseball and those pants are ridiculously sexy. Does The Little Mermaid box still have a penis on it?
5. Craig Conover:
RBA: Craig is the #1 number 2 guy in the group, 100%. He’s the glue guy, and yet… Shep still pulls power moves over him all the time like guilting him for being successful and not answering his drunken calls.
TG: Wait, is Craig that Jax Taylor of the group? Do we know what Jax thinks about pandas?!
RBA: Jax is an anti-vaxxer so he probably thinks pandas make people autistic.
TG: Bestie you are so right. The angry blowups, the pills. Craig is the Jax Taylor of this group, except with his pillow sales he can afford to not shoplift sunglasses overseas.
6. Austen Kroll:
RBA: Austen is the bottom 3 of the main-boy trifecta and I don’t really know why this is besides 1. He’s the newest/not OG and 2. They’ve all just comfortably agreed to it. I’m an Austen girlie without shame and honestly of the 3 he’ll probably end up settling down in the most ‘normal’ marriage of them all… eventually.
TG: As said prior, I want to shoot Austen Kroll with a gun. (RBA: I think this is legal in South Carolina) What he did to Olivia happened to me recently and so I am projecting to the BACK of the theater with this one, but my god. The sensitive soft boy thing, with the soft hair and the soft cheeks and the family trauma used like Thorin Oakenshield’s….shield, to hide his complete untherapized brokenness in plain sight. A devil. A terror. He can not respect women that are not befallen by tragedy. And if they haven’t been yet, six months with him and they’re going to be. (RBA: mic drop) The new girl seems nice. Good luck to her. Maybe dating a brunette for once will change him. We’re like that.
Before my divorce, my husband would RUN into the room anytime I was watching Southern Charm and they’d show this clip in flashback, then make me rewind, and then I would be allowed to continue viewing. I think watching it here is the most I’ve missed him in six months!
7. Jarret “JT” Thomas:
RBA: Ahhh JT, the Short King of the Extras. His power is actually pretty mighty considering he made an entire season up around pushing Austen’s buttons and exposing him for being a serial kisser. He’s failing big time this season though and went totally AWOL before it was even over. Flop.
TG: I think Miss Pat really should have shoved that cane up his ass. A BUFFOON who has the foolhardy swagger of late-stage Thomas Ravenel without the cocaina dealers on retainer to be of use to anyone. *Lisa Rinna voice* You’re so angry. He is so angry. The one of the group who I can confidently say is on 4chan. Phantom of the Opera on the bayou incel ass. Venita needs to move, if not to New York than at least to Baltimore or something, because she is better than even entertaining a morbid curiosity as to what this man looks like naked let alone a prospective relationship.
8. Rodrigo Reyes:
RBA: Of the people who are left I’m intrigued by the fact that Rodrigo did a reverse JT and somehow went from flop to rising in the ranks? He must do something this season that gave him another chance.
TG: I had to google which one was Rod and which one was Rodrigo. Okay I’m back. Rodrigo has those Pedro Pascal cheekbones, keep him for that alone. Next.
9. John Pringle:
RBA: Pringle has zero power but he did try to take Madison away from Austen and that takes a little bit of balls.
TG: All I have to say about John Pringle is that my ex-husband (damn, a theme is brewing today and I don’t like it!!!!) loved this CUT FOR TIME (because my ex-husband is, lovingly, an autist to the highest) Blake Shelton clip from SNL where Blake plays a guy dressed as John Smith from Pocahontas and keeps getting announced as “Johhhhhhn Smiiiiiiith” in the Disney World park, and every time John Pringle showed up on my television I’d hear myself say “Johhhhhhn Pringleeee.” He was kinda hot in that Blake Shelton way (NOT a fitting contestant for Sexiest Man Alive, but great hair not imported from Turkey!). That’s all I have to say about this man.
RBA: I’m not a Pringle girlie but if we’re connecting the dots this far out I just saw a recent pic of Gwen Stefani and OMG gorgeous, ageless, perfect.
10. JD Madison:
RBA: Second to Kathryn, JD’s life was the most destroyed by Southern Charm so I feel like that means he has no power especially given he’s so close with the guys who are in the top rankings… like??? JD was clearly led to the slaughter. ‘And rightfully so.’
TG: What is JD up to? Is he dead? These men are the old Republicans Michael Shannon said “it’s time for the urn” about. Can’t fucking wait.
11. Rod Razavi (didn’t know he actually had a last name):
RBA: No balls, total cuck lol am I allowed to say that
TG: Yes.
RealityByAshley on Twitter is run by Ashley Marie, writer for Starcasm.