152. The Worst Song to Fuck To, Part 2
Featuring members of Soul Glo, CATBITE, Mannequin Pussy, Wild Pink, Pom Pom Squad, SADIE DUPUIS and more!
Welcome to PART TWO of “The Worst Song to Fuck To.” Can not believe the friends that agreed to participate in this, and the considerable effort they made to make us all laugh and cringe. I’m so lucky to know the many musicians included here and count them as pals. As for my choice?
Can you fucking imagine soaking your SKIMS to the helicopters whirring during the intro? “Summer, Highland Falls” is an honorable mention also when it comes to William Joel. What kind of “Valkyrie Dimension” Dance Dance Revolution ass stroke game do you have to boast to keep the tempo of that little titititittitititit drum fill, you know?
: Rude” by MAGIC!
“When it comes to sex, I'm not the kind of person who mindfully uses music to set a mood. (I could follow this up with something cocksure like "Baby, I AM the mood" but honestly I'm just lazy, and prone to listen to music just because I want to and not because it's the appropriate thing for the moment.) I've dated people who are great at this, make an entire ceremony of welcoming me over and sifting through their collection to choose a record and place it tenderly on the turntable before returning their attention to me, but if they try to include me in this decision-making process I lock up and forget every bit of music I've ever loved. (Famously I once put on The Muppet Movie soundtrack before someone I really liked came over, and making goo-goo eyes during "The Rainbow Connection" was lovely but by the time Fozzie Bear was singing about his Studebaker in "Moving Right Along," my lover pulled away to say, "uhh, so I think I'm done with this album?")
Anyway, because I am not thoughtful about deploying music for a particular purpose, I'm often just listening to generative playlists deposited in my account by Daddy Spotify. It's not unlikely that if I were ever doing this while getting close to a lover, there would be some unforgivable shift in tone. And when Tara asked me about the worst song to have sex to, I was thinking about how a terrible song could just crop up on one of those playlists I hadn't bothered to curate myself. What would the worst one be? And the first thing I thought of—besides "Cbat" by Hudson Mohawke—was "Rude" by MAGIC!.
I can already feel cortisol flooding my bloodstream down to the tips of my fingers as I type their stupid fucking band name, stylized in all caps with the exclamation point. I can feel a flush rise up my neck as I recall the oom-pa white-boy reggae, the rote syncopation that always reminds me of polka donning a backwards cap and asking, "how do you do, fellow kids?" Blood is rushing in my ears as I force myself to sing along in my head, which sounds less like the gentle whoosh of the ocean than the roar of an angry sea.
The song is about a guy asking his girlfriend's father for her hand in marriage, because he knows he's an old-fashioned guy who would appreciate the ritual. The father, however, does not grant his permission. This all happens before the conclusion of the first verse. But don't worry—there are still three agonizing minutes left in the song.
"Arielle," you must be asking, if you are among God's favorites who have never been forced to experience these minutes of musical torture, "is the rest of the song about the singer having a clear-headed, respectful conversation about this man's misgivings? Is it about returning to his girlfriend to mutually work through the issues in their relationship that could be giving her father pause? If not either of these, surely it is a thoughtful breakdown of the patriarchal tradition of the exchanging of brides like so much cattle-trading, with a path forward into a brilliant progressive future."
You thought wrong!
Because immediately after hearing "the answer is no," which is a pretty clear offering of one of two possible answers to his question, the singer throws a toddler-sized fit. The "no" answer is, apparently, itself rude. Which is a major fucking red flag!!
I just keep thinking about the poor girl in this song, whose only crime is dating someone embarrassing (who among us?). A girl who found someone she thought cared about her, enough at least to make himself mildly uncomfortable to humble himself in his pledge to her, who faced the most minor and predictable setback—and threw a fucking tantrum.
To me it's not just that he was upset by her father's answer. I get that. I'm bad at rejection too. It's that it becomes the FOCUS of the song. The song is not about how he loves her so much that he's going to find a way to be with her in defiance of every hurdle they come across. I mean, he SAYS that, but the song is really not even about her at all. He never says anything about her except to center himself—declaring as a statement of fact that she's in love with him and will go anywhere he goes—but that's really just there as a way to rub it in Dad's face, to remind him his answer doesn't matter. Which is a wild way to spend his mental energy if he's also trying to congratulate himself for the fact that he made the gesture to ask for the answer.
Every time the lyrics veer toward how he's going to be with her and you think that he's gonna focus on that, they eventually turn back to him fuming about her dad. Which reminds me of those dogs at the dog park that grab a toy not because they want it, but because they know other dogs don't want them to have it.
That's why I hate the song in any context, but also why I think it's an especially strong answer for why it's the worst song to have sex to. Certainly, the balladic nature of the lyrics is a distraction. And surely, the tempo is absolutely wrong: too slow for rough sex, too bouncy and childish for passionate/romantic sex.
But mostly, it is a song that, instead of being about love and devotion, is about your partner being a little too obsessed... with an interaction he had... with your father. Like, to levels where he looks at you and even though you're making eyes at him, he's thinking of your fucking dad. Is he even... maybe... thinking of fucking your dad? Who knows! Not him! The man is obviously not in therapy. Good luck, babe!”
Arielle Brousse is a nonprofit communications specialist living in Philadelphia who spends a normal amount of time thinking about death. You can read some of those musings at:
Pierce Jordan: “Dance With the Devil” by Immortal Technique
(Pierce Jordan is also, might I add, the lead singer and lyricist of Soul Glo.)
Andy: “War” by IDLES
If I heard 'Wa-ching/ that's the sound of the sword going in" while in the middle of some hot coitus, my sword would go right back in my pants. Then again, how many people are actually fucking to Idles? Hopefully zero.”
Andy is the creator behind Millennial Sopranos and yee_naw_ranch. When he's not shitposting, he plays drums and writes songs in bands you've never heard of.
Avery Mandeville: A melange, actually, and yet…
“Where to begin? Stan. Rock Lobster. Hurt. My girlfriend Emily says it's Tiptoe Through The Tulips. It seems like any song that's sad or goofy is automatically not the vibe, but then I think too hard about Crazy Frog and Sandstorm and kinda come around. Any song can go from funny to fun or from sad to beautiful if you want to have fun or be beautiful! This exercise has made me think there are no bad sex songs, only bad people to have sex with.”
Avery Mandeville is the lead screamer of Little Hag. Little Hag is working through their issues and has a 3rd album to prove it, out now on Bar/None Records. “Now That’s What I Call Little Hag” aptly showcases the wide ranging songwriting of Avery Mandeville that takes aim at men and The Man. Narc Magazine says “fans of opinionated, unflinchingly explicit, female-led punk rock, should jump straight into this one." @LittleHag on social media.
and Tim Hildebrand: Jacob’s Vocal Academy
“The WORST song that could play while having sex is definitely vocal warm ups from Jacob’s Vocal Academy!! Those vocal exercises are always in our top 5 played songs on the streaming platform we use which is ANNOYING but for that reason, it would probably play on shuffle at the exact moment of having sex.”
This is Brit & Tim from your favorite Philly ska band, Catbite! Find us on ALL SOCIALS @catbiteband and be sure to sign up for our newsletter to be fully informed of our EVERY MOVE!!!
: “Let It Go” by Idina Menzel
“Picture it: you're in the throes of passionate lovemaking. The moment is steamy, you and your partner are synced perfectly in rhythm to Untitled (How Does it Feel) by D'Angelo (classic, 7 glorious minutes of pure undiluted sexual energy). The song ends, and inexplicably you hear Idina Menzel.
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
I really don't think I need to get into why this would be a completely jarring boner killer, but the Disney adult implications add an additional layer that's nearly impossible to come back from. Someday my prince will cum, but not if Let it Go is on the playlist.”
Courtney LeSueur is a graphic designer and illustrator based in Birmingham, AL. A lifelong theatre kid and avid cinephile, her love of stage and screen knows no bounds. She lives in a perpetual state of excitement. You can find her on instagram at @lesueurcourtney or by visiting her website, courtneylesueur.com
Drew Kaufman: Le Beastie Boix
”Anything by the Beastie Boys instantly causes bed death. I’m a life long Besties fan but sometimes you’re under the sheets longer than the run time of the gothy, doomy, witchy album you’ve put on. No matter what you’re listening to, if it’s slightly alternative, Spotify’s endless playlist feature will eventually kill the mood by white rappers screaming “Mr. Spock” in unison with a shrill Brooklyn accent. We were just listening to Type O Negative, if I wanted to get yelled at by three Jews I’d call my uncles.”
Drew Kaufman is a photographer and director. You can see his work at ihavehadsextwice.com (and both times Sabotage came on and maybe it was kinda fun once).
(Tara jumping in to say that Drew also co-created Two Minutes to Late Night, which is the thing that got me into Danzig, and also that he has a cat who uses the toilet to do peepees. We love COURTNEY. You can follow Drew on IG @analog_hotdog, where he sells classic cameras and posts incredible resources and mutual aid opportunities to assist those impacted by the fires in California.)
: “Lucha Bros (feat. Curren$y & Benny the Butcher)” by WestsideGunn
“The opposite of slow jams are granola filled rap songs — you know the type; it’s when a rap song is aggressively male, slow, and features words like “bricks” and “government plots.” It’s “scare the hoes” rapping, the creeping nostalgia of first listening to hip-hop as a child not allowing you to remember that impressing a woman requires sensuality. Westside Gunn’s “Lucha Bros” was that song for me. During the pandemic, long nights inside of my house made me obsessed with it — the slowness of the beat, Benny the Butcher’s fierce lecture on street politics. But, when it comes to a woman, especially a woman that I was personally seeing over FaceTime during those months, playing that song will make her vagina dry. Fellas, for the love of her, and her ability to see you as a sexual partner, just throw on some Madonna.”
is a writer for GQ, The New York Times, The Washington Post, ESPN, Rolling Stone, and more. He has a Substack called Lots of Commas.
Dan Keegan: “Gangnam Style” by PSY
I was quite hype that Dan and his band Wild Pink sent this in while on tour with MJ Lenderman. You can check out Wild Pink on IG @wildpinknyc or at wildpinkmusic.com. They’re opening for Dr. Dog in June at Forest Hills, and have some dates lined up this year:
Also I unironically love the “Space Jam” mashup I linked up there. I listen to it when I need an eightball of serotonin.
Boy Jr.: “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor
“eye of the tiger is either the best song to have sex to or the worst song to have sex to depending on how much you are in an 80s training montage.”
BOY JR. is the songwriting and production project of Ariel Allen-Lubman (they/them), an artist blending electronic, pop, indie, and punk with infectious songwriting and sharp production. Their latest album, I Love Getting Dumped! (October 2024), is a high-energy exploration of heartbreak, humor, and self-discovery.
A DIY powerhouse, Boy Jr.. has headlined grassroots tours across the U.S. and shared stages with The Living Tombstone, Lovejoy, KOPPS, Jhariah, Vial, and Jer. Beyond their music, Ariel has become a vital voice of hope and resistance for young queer people, using their platform to champion self-expression in a time of cultural and political pushback. All social and streaming links here.
Desuana Dubose: “Life Is A Highway” by Rascal Flatts
“The problem is not the song itself. Whom amongst us does not enjoy the melodic sound of Rascal Flatts? The problem is what is where it takes your brain. I would hear this, think of Pixar’s Cars and then Lightning McQueen. And I just can’t go there, the gateway! Next think you know I’m putting that 4 wheeled fucker on a ‘hear me out cake’.“
Desuana Dubose is the innovator of Iná Glow Studios. These handcrafted lighters, perfect for celebrations, keepsakes, and everyday use, will soon be available for purchase. Follow on Instagram at @ina.glow.studio to stay up to date and see when our website launches.
Mykal June: The Beatle Barkers (all, any)
“There are so many “funny” answers to choose from and of those my pick would be something from the Beatle Barkers—that dude who took his dogs barking and made them into Beatles songs. That would be terrible, but honestly it would at least be hilarious. But if I’m tryna make bedroom eyes at someone and some bullshit like The Front Bottoms comes on I might get up and fuckin leave like yeah, “au revoir” is right.”
I’m June, a writer and musician in Atlanta 💖 Visit mykaljune.com for all your Mykal June dot com needs and check out my music here! On Bluesky at autumnrecoil.bsky.social, or just straight up Venmo me at Autumn-Recoil.
Nate Bergman: “Californication” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers
“I would say almost any song by The Red Hot Chili Peppers takes my libido and puts it in the toilet. I would say “Californication” specifically because it has “Fornication” in the title, and Anthony Kids is an abhorrent singer. I think the rhythm section of the band is awesome in a vacuum. On paper I like Flea, Chad and Frusciante. But when you put them all together it feels like a literal war-crime to my ears.”
My name is Nate Bergman and I am a folk singer who is an emo adjecent little cutie pie from Washington, DC who now resides in nashville, one of the least horny cities on earth. Not that people here aren’t horny but the pop-country music that rules the roost here is a literal flacid-cock-dry-pussy concoction of the worst magnitutde.
I will be on tour the first half year supporting Joshua Ray Walker, Chuck Ragan and Clutch. All Three of those headliners happen to make very horny music. IG @NateBergmanSings, linktr.ee/NatebergmanSings.
Itarya Rosenberg: Led Zep Bed Death
“Worst song would be any Led Zeppelin song. Robert Plant makes my skin crawl. You think this is cool? You think, fresh, sexy and hip? Damn. It’s also giving male centric in a way I can’t fuck with or to.”
Itarya Rosenberg is a queer/trans masc musician from Philadelphia who plays bass and sings for Rid of Me. He is also obsessed with his dog, is a communist and believes in the liberation of all colonized nations including the US. Free Palestine. (Tara notoriously has a crush on him so…*takes notes*.) (Tara is also OBSESSED with his cover of Sheryl Crow’s “If It Makes You Happy”.)
: her own music
“Scout's honor, I am not really out here fucking to music these days. This was a part of my fuck practice when I was junior leagues (shout out to any other Elliott Smith b-sides-listening virginity-losers out there) but generally I find music too distracting to hear while I’m doing ANYTHING I want to focus on, bedroom or otherwise. I just wind up tuning into the music and forgetting about the other thing I’m supposed to be doing. So no music for reading, no music for writing. Yes music for laundry, yes music for running—during tasks that need a little extra boost to get done, I'm happy to dissociate to the mix. I like music for listening to music and for listening closely. To paraphrase some other thing, there is no sex in the music room.
So the absolute WORST music to have sex to would be anything I’ve worked on. I can’t stand having to hear my own recorded voice in front of anyone who’s not me or also working on it with me. Walking into a coffee shop that’s playing my band is flattering but it also makes me flush crimson and whiplash around for the closest exit. Once in a while a well meaning (non-musician) friend tries to put on my music while we're hanging out together, and I basically need to flee the room and/or car. I can’t imagine anything worse than fucking to the sound of my own singing. (Or fucking someone who wants to fuck to the sound of THEIR own voice, a sociopathic red flag if I've ever imagined one!) I guess, in short, I’m saying that the worst song I can think of to have sex to is any song by Speedy Ortiz. Your mileage may or may not vary!”
Sadie Dupuis. Speedy Ortiz * Sad13 * Wax Nine Records* sadiedupuis.com* @sad13
Molly Mary O’Brien: “Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat” from Cats
“I try to be open-minded about music, and I think there’s a lid for every pot in terms of what kind of music might turn you on. (One of my favorite Sex Music stories was the guy on Reddit whose girlfriend hated that he listened to, and took rhythmic inspiration from, the song “Cbat” by Hudson Mohawke during sex.) Life is a rich tapestry, any song can be a sex song if you play your cards right. HOWEVER. I gave this prompt some thought and decided that there’s at least one song that absolutely doesn’t work, and will never work, in the bedroom: “Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat” from the Cats soundtrack. There’s no universe where a soaring, tap dance-friendly song about being a cat...a cat with a job...a cat with a job on a train…is a good song to play for the purpose of having sex. Of course, it’s a great song to play if you want to think about how wonderful Skimbleshanks is (the train can’t start without him!) but beyond that…no. Does this pick imply that other songs from Cats are fair game? I will leave that up to you.”
Molly Mary O’Brien is a writer, video editor, and music enjoyer. She has a music blog called I Enjoy Music and hosts the And Introducing podcast.
Alex Mercuri: “Somebody Stole My Wife” by Mungo Jerry
“There’s nothing particularly loin-stirring in any of Mungo Jerry’s catalog but the way the kazoo whips right into this one in a mocking quack is especially egregious. Plus the chorus would be confusing thematically if you’re trying to love on someone. I gotta be honest I put this on pretty much every “dumb weird song” playlist because the world deserves to hear it.”
Alex Mercuri is a guitarist from New Jersey who plays in the grunge-pop outfit Pom Pom Squad. Follow his Instagram @alex_mercuri for guitar moves and photos of his cat the girl Pepper.
Evan Diem: “Matthew 25:21 by the Mountain Goats - Unfuckable Song”
“Ever since I was a young man being told off for tapping the rhythms to Thin Lizzy guitar solos on my high school girlfriend’s leg, music has been a vital part of my sexual experiences. I remember the song that was playing when my college girlfriend and I first consummated our affections, even though many people believe It Makes No Difference what’s in the background. While there is only one song I will officially select for this list, there is a whole category of song that is absolutely off limits as well.
That category is: A Song Written Or Performed By Someone Who I Was Friends With Before I Was A Fan Of Their Music. And therefore I must say sorry to Laura Cortese (and also I’m so sorry, The Dance Cards) because, as we became friends years after I first heard her music, I cannot reliably say I have always skipped past those songs. However, I can confidently say this rule has always applied to my own music. And ESPECIALLY anything by my best friend Ben Mueller (of Low Ceilings) who is one of my favorite songwriters, even though I would describe his music as largely unfuckable-to. And while I am lucky enough to at least consider my favorite songwriter, biggest musical inspiration, and artist that I have covered the most times, a “buddy” or “pal,” I still have absolutely ZERO desire to turn his often erratic guitar rhythms into my own beautiful music.
That being said, if I had to choose just one out of his tremendous discography to be the song that is the obvious standout for least bangable listen, there are dozens of top contenders. And even though it’s not the most musically unsexy, and given the strange fact that I don’t even cry or get emotional about music that is “sad”, the answer to me is as clear as crystal healers. What could be worse for getting that nut than a nearly 6 minute long tribute to one’s dying mother-in-law, sung presently and achingly over a solo acoustic guitar, and titled after a bible verse. Even after all the shitposts I’ve made about this man’s music, I think if I knew I had gotten off with someone while listening to that song, I would never be able to look at him in the face again. Granted, The Ultimate Jedi Who Wastes All The Other Jedi And Eats Their Bones is a strong second place.”
Evan Diem is a singer-songwriter, pod-caster, joke-writer, lapsed tik-tok creator, and hyphen-fanatic. The social media platform of his that gets the most active attention is Instagram, but you should also go to his website EvanDiem.com to help him not feel bad about how much money he spent on a Squarespace subscription. His album Distant Pulses is probably not great for having sex to but is still a fantastic 32 minutes and 38 seconds of clever and fun indie rock.
Carolyn Haynes: Moz
“Morrissey is a copout, and much like the excuses you make for your shitty friends, your taste in sad-boy music is deeply suspect. You've had how many decades of examples of this man being absolute garbage? Not me rolling my eyes while my mouth's midshaft. If you wanted to be degraded and denied why didn't you just say so?”
Carolyn Haynes is a Philadelphia-based multi-instrumentalist touring with Mannequin Pussy and tour manager. Sometimes a bartender, sometimes a DJ, she's a constant Sagittarius. Free Palestine, Free Congo, Free them all!
Bree of TACOCAT: “Close to Me” by The Cure
“Generally, "Tears in Heaven (Unplugged Version)" comes to mind as the true winner for the ultimate bonerkiller for obvious reasons. But then on a personal level, the worst song for me is the Cure's "Close to Me," which brings me back to this scummier time of my youth where l was banging an ex that I kept getting back together with, and the whole thing was very early 20's dramatic and serious. And in the middle of it, “Close to Me," was playing in the background and they looked at me square in the eyes and was like deadpan, "are we seriously are listening to some romantic mix someone else made you." Oops!!! And then I looked guilty bc of course we were, and we had to stop right then and get in a big fight about it.
That beautiful song is forever so sexually jarring to me, I hear that sweet synth line and I shudder.”
Bree is in many bands (including TACOCAT and Who Is She?) but right now she is finishing mixing a vanity project she worked on with Lisa Prank called Faerie Born, which is going to be a short concept album of songs based off of their favorite fairy porn fantasy book series ACOTAR.
Taylor B: “Sail” by AWOLNATION:
“On paper, AWOLNATION’s “Sail” sounds like a mess: throbbing bass, midtempo industrial rock chords, playful synths, and a dramatic string section apropos of nothing. However, when heard, this song is made for pole dancing at strip clubs while drunk husbands throw singles from their son’s college fund at the dancers who, sure, actually like them. Then the screaming begins.
Aaron Bruno, AWOLNATION’s frontman, delivers excruciating lyrics in yells made by one who understands pain as a concept and wants to share. This proto-Imagine Dragons delivery is enough to make any boner flaccid. There are points where Bruno makes an attempt to transition from yelling to singing, poorly, before going back to yelling, loudly.
What is he yelling about, you might ask? Blaming his Attention Deficit Disorder for his interpersonal failings (a repeated line is “blame it on my ADD, baby”). He recognizes his partner is suffering because of him, but he either can’t or won’t attempt to better himself. His condition becomes a scapegoat. Really sexy stuff.
Then comes the heaviest lines: “maybe I should cry for help/maybe I should kill myself/blame it on my ADD, baby.” Not exactly the kind of thing one wants to hear while putting in that work!
The chorus is simply the word “sail” shouted five times at long intervals.
There was potential musically in making this song a filthier “Ready for Love” or a modern spin on “Closer.” Instead we have another mediocre white guy literally yelling at us about his shortcomings (which he may or may not have any interest in doing anything about) and making it our problem. It’s not fuck music but it’s definitely a product only a straight white guy could make.”
Taylor B is a zinester based in central Washington State. Their zine Handbasket has been running off and on since 2015. They also host a weekly radio show of the same title on Ellensburg Community Radio,Monday nights at 7 PM Pacific/10 PM Eastern. In their spare time, they enjoy writing, Japanese superhero shows, and Magic: the Gathering.
Helen Barsz: “Brick” by Alex G
“If the dissonant guitar and other various noises doesn’t turn you off, 40 seconds in you’ll be greeted by a man shouting unintelligible things, while another man says “I know that you like it” in a weird voice. Odds are he is wrong, and if you’re with someone who thinks having sex to this song is a good idea, you’re probably not liking it.”
Helen Barsz is the bassist of Carly Cosgrove. @helenbarsz / @carlycosgrovepa
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“This exercise has made me think there are no bad sex songs, only bad people to have sex with.” Exactly this!
Okay, but unless your objective is population control, this seems a little counter productive. 🫤