11. The best reality show you're not watching.
On Netflix's Ultimatum
You know that scene in Elf where Michael tells Charlotte Dennon, New York One that what she wants for Christmas is “a Tiffany engagement ring and for her boyfriend to stop dragging his feet and commit already”?
Now, imagine if instead of letting belief and childlike wonder power Ed Asher’s lil pussy wagon, she instead dragged her boyfriend onto a reality show hosted by Cheyenne from Reba that separated them as a couple, had them date from a pool of four other couples they’ve never met, live with one of these new people for three weeks, meet their trial spouse’s family and friends, discuss religion and money and politics and whether they’d circumcise their kid, move back in together for an additional three weeks, and then decide whether to get married or part forever or perhaps even start bangin’ one of the people they lived with in what is essentially a bedroom display in a Container Store.
That’s Ultimatum, it’s on Netflix, and the drama curbstomps Love is Blind like Ryan Gosling does to that guy in the elevator in Drive.1
Last season, hosted by Lacheys Nick and Vanessa, was fucking crazy.
An aside: Vanessa, as you may know, was excoriated by viewers of the recent Love is Blind reunion for feverishly asking each married couple if they were trying for children, not being able to get past her anxiety over the “live” reunion’s technical difficulties and coming off as frenetic in the way one does on a sitcom when they reveal a shellfish allergy and then start swelling and panicking, and virtually ignoring Brett (the only hot man2 on the show) and literally just Janine Teagues from Abbott Elementary Tiffany, one of the show’s greatest (and sleepiest) success stories and a beautiful Black couple who approached vulnerability, conflict, and shared growth in an aspirational, sweet, and deeply watchable way.
Vanessa was right to go after Paul. Paul, a DALL-E rendering of a Sears catalog model, rejected his fiancé Micah at the altar, said that he feels she lacks “the nurturing aspect” required to be a mother ON TELEVISION, and somehow charmed his way back into her Brooklinens, and then dumped her again. I will also openly accuse Paul of being a Jordan B. Peterson follower and I will also openly accuse Jordan’s B. of being short for Bitch.
I only mention Vanessa’s most recent hosting gig because the first season of Ultimatum premiered before it, and she gave a diametrically different reunion performance the first time and it was shocking to see. Why the Lacheys appear at all must simply be a demand they were granted as executive producers to get some visible exposure. I do not think either show needs a host - they show up three to four times a season to either visit brides doing dress fittings, set the stage for a marital swap, or moderate the reunions, which could be augmented by a Netflix personality like Nicole Byer, an experienced and precise interviewer such as Ziwe, or one of the successful couples from a previous season.
Anyway, back to Ultimatum:
The straights are not okay. One contestant reveals that she and her original boyfriend started rawdogging from the first time they had sex and if they get pregnant, they get pregnant. The clip below featuring FUCKING COLBY I HATE HIM and his ultimatee Madelyn….it’s funny but also I want to hit him with my Elantra.
This current season, 8 episodes of which are now available on Netflix with more dropping June 7, features: lesbians. I don’t want to spoil anything for y’all so please just go enjoy that gay shit and loudly react in the comments. Also, I got that dog in me (the gay cheese doodles dog from Family Guy) in me for Mal. Also, I want Xander to marry the shit out of Yoly but if that doesn’t happen uh….call me bb. Also, I am writing this from an archery in Philly so if you want to go shoot some arrows get your ass to Callowhill Archery and ask for Ray.
Today, in bitches be recommendin’:
Emi Guijarro: I found Emi on Instagram (@emi_guijarro) and immediately messaged her to join the waitlist to have my chickens rendered in her singular and ADORABLE style. Look at my babies!!! I love the little details Emi includes in each portrait and I wish I had named more. Included here are pillows because Simone loves minting (sleeping on my pillow like a little hotel mint) and her best friend, The Water aka our replaceable water cooler jugs. The black frog is a big rubber frog we found at Michael’s that looked like our son, so now Frog Lugosi lives with us.
This excellent article from Tallulah Willis on her father Bruce, grief, and healing.
Kelsey THEE Weekman’s newsletter “okay zoomer”: I have only ever watched TikTok videos as posted to Instagram. I swipe left to delete entire Instagram DM chains 95 percent of the time I see “____ sent a reel”. The exception to this is the Mister Rogers of dentistry Erica Szymanski, who deeply honors my boundary of only sending TikToks 15 seconds or fewer that contain a little doggie3. There has to be a little doggie. That’s important to me.
I don’t know what a D'Amelio Family is and I only have a vague sense of what “cheugy” means and I am rapidly, agreeably becoming a Luddite. (I do still live and on some days burrow deeper into the dark, dank world of Twitter, one of its stalwart last reavers in a threadbare hat, Waiting in equal measure for Godot and Guffman. Kelsey’s articles about the culture of the internet (and I guess my brother) are the only touchstones I choose to possess in halting my slouch towards oblivion. Kelsey brings a little Saweetie-sais-quoi4 to each of her insightful analyses about how the Internet developed from kids whispering to each other about what happens when you visit WhiteHouse.com to encouraging each other to partake in Full Balls Fall and…back? to “seed release parties5,” from AOL providing cute dorm decor6 and the Neopets omelette7 to whatever insidious “the kids from Zoom8 make Skinamarink” shit this9 is. If we must be guided to, I trust Kelsey to guide us through.
Love you bitches,
TG
I’m sorry to Jesus, my ancestors, and Gloria Steinem that I would let Matt of still-not-living-with-Colleen fame yell at me in a hot way.
Here is one recent doggie that I in fact shared, and Erica’s intrepid rejection of the gender binary in common nomenclature.
Tell me you don’t hear “Boston, Mass 0-2-1-3-4: send it to Zoom!” loping around the edges of your psyche right now, skulking and sooted, asking if you’ve “gotta light”. This is me every time someone says the proper noun Boston. Also, did you know that Jared died? The one with the curtain bangs?! An episode of Jeopardy! was dedicated to his memory. Sad!
