58. Emmys Recap!
A clean and largely contentless ceremony.
Now, we’ve all seen or heard how bad the Golden Globes speeches and upsets were, but, like many a drummer has thought about me, “damn, I want her back.” I was bored! The Emmys bored me! I was happy to see some deserved wins, like for Jennifer Coolidge on The White Lotus and Ebon Moss-Bachrach on The Bear but with the exception of a Cheers reunion that made me misty and a stunner of a speech from Niecy Nash-Betts (below) I found myself with little to recap! Here are some of my favorite looks from the red carpet.
First, I need to take a winding detour to the Creative Arts Emmys, where I have arrived purely to say that I believe Chrishell Stause is the most beautiful woman in the entire world1. This is, for those of you who hear “Oppenheim” and think I’m missing a “er” from the end, the cast of Netflix’s “reality” show Selling Sunset, a 1980’s soap opera with the premise of “what if we let the characters use their real names and gesture at cinéma vérité like Vanna White flipping letters while selling 16.7 million dollar homes for commissions that would eradicate hunger at the Oppemheim Group, run by two small bald brothers in little sweater vests2.” It is on season seven, I hope it never departs, and it would not surprise me if this happens in season 9:
The woman in the gorgeous honeyed amber dress is one of Nick Cannon’s overpopulation vessels. The platinum blonde is a white woman who sells vegan empanadas. Amanza, center, is literally involved in a missing person’s case. And Chelsea, far right? I am obsessed with her little hair. The dress makes her look like a beautiful, Black Esther Williams. Give her a racket because it’s a volley and a serve. Chrishell is wearing Christian Siriano, she is named after the Shell station where her mother went into labor and the person named Chris who assisted in the delivery, and I would lay down on the Cahuenga Pass during rush hour for her.
I wish I could rip that black bandeau out of Katie’s dress. Let the thangs thang, Señorita Bubba!!! But the Vanderpump Rules girls look fantastic. I will be a stranger to you all in who I become when this show comes back.
I really enjoyed Murray Bartlett’s Will & Grace-ass chemistry with Juliette Lewis in Welcome to Chippendales. I enjoyed the entire production! Dan Stevens was there!!!! Annaleigh Ashford is great, incandescent in everything she has ever done, and I loved her whipping out her little calculator like the Thaness of Cawdor with a CPA certificate.
With the exception of Jack Black, Cristo Fernández is the platonic ideal we have curated by the “female gaze.” I love this ensemble. He looks like a beautiful lesbian (complimentary; this comparison can only be complimentary). I love the soft mauve velvet over the silken ivory blouse. It is a 1970’s tampon ad in a mattepaer magazine. It is the perfume your grandmother wore. It is petal androgyny and musky romance. To quote Will Ferrell, “it’s EVOCATIVE; it gets the people GOING.”
Also, the hottest thing a man can ever do is go on Sesame Street:
Speaking of beautiful lesbians. I have no idea what Simona Tobasco’s sexual orientation is, but I wish she is a beautiful lesbian because I want to do kiss with her. If that kiss is upon her stiletto she smashes into my face, so be it!
I think about the Judith Light dog on Broad City often. I hope she is well. Fun fact: if a dog has appeared on screen, that dog is still alive. It’s true! You’re watching them wag their little tail on screen right in front of you!
Now it will not be MY sweet little head called for after suggesting a Clue remake, but if the film were to say, be adapted as a French farce Broadway play with rotating alternate endings, you have your Professor Plum in Aryan Moayed.
A trio of outfits I delusionally think I can pull off as well as these women.
Hell yeah, dude.
And now onto Monday’s ceremony!
I love this woman down. You would be able to project your corporate earning review onto my forehead if I attempted this hairstyle.
I have loved them since Santa Clarita Diet, and I love their work as Van on Yellowjackets. They are always doing one of these braless blazer situations, and it never wields diminishing returns. I love the flowing pant and am in awe of how well these proportions suit someone, ANYONE.
More like Tatanka Means Business. One of, to quote
, our greatest dudes in cinema of 2023 for his brief work in Killers of the Flower Moon. Tatankiacs rise.
Venmo me five dollars @taragiancaspro if you want to see me attempt to not fall nipples-out of this dress. And as promised, Niecy’s speech:
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*New Girl theme* “Who’s that girllllll? Who’s that girllllll? It’s the sex worker from White Lotus!”
This dress was the welcome breath of allergen-free spring that I too recreate when I spritz myself in Ellis Brooklyn’s Sweet while there is snow on the sidewalk. Tea length dresses are returning as a formal staple, and while I would have opted for this shoe in red, I would still let her con me out of my Positano spending money.
If I was marrying a rich sea captain on a boat in 1996, I would wear this to that wedding, with big sunglasses and a little headscarf to protect my hair at sea. Do any of you 1600 or so people happen to know a rich sea captain that might love me, or at least like me enough to grant me an allowance and entree into Christian Siriano’s good graces?
This is my look of the evening.
Well, maaaaaaaybe it’s tied with Dame Joan Collins, because it does not get more Hollywood than this, and we tune in to see exactly this level of glamourized tin foil (complimentary):
Hearing Joan exclaim “Beef!” is, to quote my own newsletter, “literally just me.”
I was going to riff on Romy inventing Post-Its, but Twitter pulled this Berger reference out of its ass first.
Christina. She looked beautiful in that red suit - a suit I pretty much have in my closet, including a sequined version, and while I was moved by this moment, I love that she so honored others with disabilities by immediately cracking wise. She’s a person, ultimately, and the standing crowd should be for her talent and humor, which has always been there. Tough chick. Hope she continues to work when and if it serves her.
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If there’s one thing to know about me…
In a breezy, slapless ceremony, this managed to be my biggest laugh:
Hell. Yeah. Dude.
Love you bitches,
TG
*that is not my small cat daughter, Simone
Sometimes this is what I call my boobs.
I don't have regular TV, just streaming so I (don't really) miss all these award shows and (utterly devastated) miss the Olympics. I liked that Cristo's outfit, too, except I feel the pants looked a bit tight in the thighs for him. Like, if he sat down, he might rip through them like The Hulk or something. LOL For that event, he could've at least had his pants tailored to fit better.
I don't watch T.V. unless its old shows on ME TV but you still managed to make me laugh! I notice that Weird Al was there!