8. There's a photo of my butt in this one.
If this post was a Led Zepplin song, it would be "Ramble On."
What does one wear to a divorce party where you briefly dated the guy your friend is divorcing, while he was married to her, because they did one of those little open things? (See: my last email, about the Danzig hater.) And then another girl who was involved with the guy in high school rolled up too and we all saluted to our good fortune in getting gone over tacos. What does one wear to such an event? The answer is: your ass out, for that motherfucker to kiss.
The inspo for this look was this Britney Spears moment which still unhinges my jaw like I’m Shaggy and Scooby-Doo about to eat a sandwich each time I’ve seen it. It’s by Dolce and Gabbana, who are horrible people but make me want to buy this exact dress full well knowing there would be soup all up in those sleeves. (I never buy bell sleeve items over this one exact fear, as if I am constantly at a restaurant telling a waiter there is a fly doing the backstroke in my entreé.)
Live footage of the evening: (this scene always gives me chills)
And: did you know that there is an entire market for Oriental Trading-style divorce party products?! I bought her the “Divorced” crown and picked up the “already hated him” sash for myself. Let me throw you a divorce party. I will create a piñata of your ex to frightening accuracy. I will hold a flashlight under your chin while you describe his mother to us. I will put together a playlist that includes “Gaslighter” by the Chicks no fewer than 5 times. I am event planner, hear me roar.
If I ever get divorced, I would absolutely put that banner in front of my house (if I ever get a house) to let all of the local dads know what’s up.
I plan to write a longer post just about my favorite Housewives moments, but seeing that KRISTEN TAEKMAN is coming back for an “Ultimate Girls’ Trip” is akin to, perhaps, you hearing that Firefly is being revived - with Alan Tudyk somehow and without Adam Baldwin thankgod. (And Ron Glass unfortunately: RIP Book!!) Kristen Taekman was a two-season Housewife who joined about a third of the way into the series run, and I was incredibly endeared to her: New York can not run on Ramona shitting her pants and Sonja stepping in it alone. There needs to be one normal person, and by normal person I mean a devastatingly beautiful model with a husband who got caught in the Ashley Madison scandal. I would have loved to see if she bonded with Tinsley, another Housewife who needs to return and bring Dale right along with her, and maybe that will happen in a season or two. I am very excited.
I sat a row behind Anna Wintour at A Doll’s House last week. I have not taken a photo of a celebrity in the wild in years1, not even when Jemaine Clement almost ran me over with his CitiBike in front of the Herald Square Macy's, but it's fucking Anna Wintour:
Also spotted: Mark Consuelos aka Hiram Lodge from Riverdale which yes, I still watch because I have a real problem letting go of shit, and Debra Messing, whose views of Susan Sarandon I disagree with but whose entire physical form I wanted to replicate upon mine own self during the Will & Grace years and even now, really, because I still want to be a redhead and I still want to be able to wear a halter top without getting arrested.
I’m hoping this isn’t just a me problem but a “you all” problem: what phrase from a song or movie or Vh1 reality television show is on repeat in your mind? Like going full FloJo on your synapses? This is mine for the week. Wherever Goldie is, I hope she is thriving and never far from a delicious chicken:
I think “intrusive thoughts with Tara” is going to be a weekly segment.
That’s it for this week. I’m having a down day and have decided to blow off my plans and sleep.
Love you bitches,
TG
(besides the occasional Pomeranian I later learn has an Instagram with 701,000 followers)