Sending out a big virtual hug to you. I'm a fellow CPTSDer (is that a word? it is now), and I fully agree that having something to name is so much better than feeling like you're inherently a bad person. You're not. I promise you that you aren't. I hope you can find that path forward where you believe that you are good and worthy, even as you have gone through some shit. I'm happy to chat if you need an ear.
Gah like you really couldn't be more beautifully broken in a stained-glass, arresting your vision kind of way, Tara. Not just because you are so open, but because you are sharing that with whoever. Now THATS STRAIGHT COURAGE and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Even if writing it is just for you.
We're all just a little bit worn in parts aren't we? Smooth from shining pride on some ends, pieced together on others (with probable duct tape if we're lucky to be pieced together at all). Some of what you said rang true to me, most spoke volumes of my "adopted" daughter and her struggles. I often tell her she will see the fruit of her labor of therapy someday when she least expects it. I did. I also tell her it's totally okay to not be okay.
You seem like a loving and thoughtful mother. I’m glad she has you, and happy Mother’s Day. Thank you for this little bit of mothering you gave me today - on this day in particular, it is much much needed.
I'm reading this right after my own therapy session which left me a total blubbery mess and I can relate so much to feeling like a bad person. I admitted something to her that I would never say out loud and she assured me that it's ok to think/feel that way and I am not, in fact, a shitty person. And neither are you.
Side note, congrats on the new gig at the Ford Foundation, it looks beautiful. And +++ to Alan Ritchson being one of the most enjoyable parts of MoUW - I wanted him to cradle me in his muscles and read me a bedtime story.
Well the good news is, there are lots of beautiful spaces and nice jobs in NYC. So even if you don’t stick around here, there are tons of other great adventures to be had.
I can only speak from my own experiences, but I really do believe that whatever will happen will happen and you have to focus on what's in your control. You can't control if a job will keep you, but you can control how you show up every day (and this is obviously way easier said than done).
Even if you get laid off again (I have been twice in the last few years), you're the one in control of how that affects your life. The first time I was laid off I felt like I lost a part of my identity. The second time I gave the proverbial Man the finger and decided to actually live my fuckin life and somehow that energy and personal growth brought me to where I am now.
I know all of that comes from an amazing place of privilege/luck and might not be relevant to your situation. But I really do believe that it's important to step back and consider what you're in control of. A layoff is just a thing that happens to you, but it's up to you to choose how to let that thing affect you and to decide how you want to move forward.
This is so, so good. Your raw honesty and also, OMG, the huge green cat. If only cats *could* be assigned to people.
I hope the vultures recede and that you look at yourself with kind, squinting, saved eyes. And: if you haven't already come across Stephanie Foo's What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma, I highly, highly recommend it.
Hi, Irena! I don’t know that book and I will definitely look to pick it up soon. Thank you so much. That artist David Shrigley’s creations speak to me with such an economy of words, time and time again. I absolutely recommend looking into his fuller body of work.
Tara Giancaspro: Whew: You are a wonderfully VIVID writer.
You are very gifted and I read your work with fascination and love.
I have OCD with morbid ruminations described well in Judith Rapoport's, "The Boy who couldn't Stop Washing his Hands: The Experience and Treatment of Obsessive Personality Disorder" (3 December 1991, Berkley Reissues (Penguin Publishers), ISBN-13 : 978-0451172020).
I have been FREE of the torments for over 30 years! (I am now 76.) I had suffered under the ruminating OCD since I was six-years-old, literally.
When you describe your feelings toward yourself with CPTSD, I can at least identify with how crippling the ruminations were in my life.
I don't know and am not capable of knowing how to treat CPTSD.
But YOU are WORTHY of FULL HEALING.
You attract those who love the arts, which I do.
You cannot share so deeply and so beautifully without embodying spirituality those gifts and beauty WITHIN.
Please, have loved ones who VALIDATE your self-love.
Matt is right. Mere diagnosis is not enough. But in large cities, there are good psychologists who are capable to lead you long term to self-healing.
I go weekly and I am not ashamed of it.
You are WORTHY to LOVE YOURSELF and to have a full, happy life.
You are so kind. I too deal with OCD - the even numbers on the radio or else the world will end, to distracting degrees. The severe germ phobia, made so much worse by the pandemic. Obsessive thoughts. I’m right there with you. Thank you for trusting me with that.
Big hugs to you and sending massive healing vibes out in the universe for you. As someone who's current rent space is the Upside Down, thank you for sharing your truth. I also appreciate the levity at the end. I was practically CRYING watching that Curb Your Enthusiasm clip. I need to remember that phrase if I ever have an encounter like that. Well, maybe not a skinhead-type of encounter, but an encounter that requires me to react in a way that's not typical for me. LOL Also, SERIOUSLY JELLY that you work at that place. I immediately felt a calm come over me just watching that clip. Crossing fingers that they keep you! Absofuckinlutely LURVED "Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare." And my reason for seeing it was Henry and Alan. I've been a fan of Alan since his Smallville and his douche-canoe character days from that show "Blue Mountain State." I was NOT expecting him to be that yoked in the movie. I was like, "Uh. Wow." <rapid blinks inserted here> Gurrrl, you DEFINTELY need to watch Reacher. I think he did a better job than Tom Cruise. I didn't know he auditioned for American Idol... WHAAAT?! Utterly crazy. I did not know that! I follow him on IG and didn't know he sang until I watched Reacher and decided to follow him. He posts himself singing on there and I'm just like, dead. His wife is a lucky bitch. That's all I gotta say about that. He said he was single in the clip so that must've been BEFORE he met his wife.
If you're ever in New York, that garden is open to the public! And obviously call me so we can grab lunch. lmaooo at yoked, honestly just love the way you phrased that
And yes we LIKE the wife but we're all like "baby if you mess up even ONCE I'm coming to get my MAN."
BWAHA!! Agreed! And would totally do lunch with you! I've only been to NYC once and felt completely overwhelmed by Times Square. My ex and I were in walking distance of that place, and it was just... TOO MUCH!! I visited a nonprofit creative writing center located in Park Slope and I was like, "OK. If I could handle the weather here (homegirl here DOES NOT do cold), I would consider living here."
Most people can't. Lol That's why we have snowbirds. I've lived here (AZ) nearly all my life. My blood has thinned to water. Lol I couldn't live anywhere else unless it was tropical.
Oh, this made me want to cry. I was just reflecting on how despite everything I was shown and taught, I know in my heart that I am a really good mother to my little chickens. They give me so much healing.
Oh i definitely know many don't get the credit they deserve for being Moms of any creatures. Do we not worry and coo? Fuss over their lives? Of course we do. ♥️
Sending out a big virtual hug to you. I'm a fellow CPTSDer (is that a word? it is now), and I fully agree that having something to name is so much better than feeling like you're inherently a bad person. You're not. I promise you that you aren't. I hope you can find that path forward where you believe that you are good and worthy, even as you have gone through some shit. I'm happy to chat if you need an ear.
This is so kind. I feel like none of the shouties DON’T have CPTSD, you know? Hate that we all suffered but love that we found each other.
I'm a firm believer that the universe put people into our path at exactly the time we need to meet them. Shouties are some of those people.
And thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. Sharing like that helps us all feel less alone.
Gah like you really couldn't be more beautifully broken in a stained-glass, arresting your vision kind of way, Tara. Not just because you are so open, but because you are sharing that with whoever. Now THATS STRAIGHT COURAGE and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Even if writing it is just for you.
We're all just a little bit worn in parts aren't we? Smooth from shining pride on some ends, pieced together on others (with probable duct tape if we're lucky to be pieced together at all). Some of what you said rang true to me, most spoke volumes of my "adopted" daughter and her struggles. I often tell her she will see the fruit of her labor of therapy someday when she least expects it. I did. I also tell her it's totally okay to not be okay.
You seem like a loving and thoughtful mother. I’m glad she has you, and happy Mother’s Day. Thank you for this little bit of mothering you gave me today - on this day in particular, it is much much needed.
Holding you in my heart.
Thank you, Doreen. And same - your comments and support mean so much and I cherish them.
I’m really glad you seem to have a great support system, especially Matt and the hand-swatting friends and the pee-watching kitties 🩷
This made me LAUGH, thank you.
I'm reading this right after my own therapy session which left me a total blubbery mess and I can relate so much to feeling like a bad person. I admitted something to her that I would never say out loud and she assured me that it's ok to think/feel that way and I am not, in fact, a shitty person. And neither are you.
Side note, congrats on the new gig at the Ford Foundation, it looks beautiful. And +++ to Alan Ritchson being one of the most enjoyable parts of MoUW - I wanted him to cradle me in his muscles and read me a bedtime story.
Thank you - it’s a temp job so I hope they keep me. I don’t feel very keep-able lately so I’m afraid.
Well the good news is, there are lots of beautiful spaces and nice jobs in NYC. So even if you don’t stick around here, there are tons of other great adventures to be had.
It’s hard - I was a very very senior EA and post-layoff, I’m temping. I’m not used to not having benefits, even.
I can only speak from my own experiences, but I really do believe that whatever will happen will happen and you have to focus on what's in your control. You can't control if a job will keep you, but you can control how you show up every day (and this is obviously way easier said than done).
Even if you get laid off again (I have been twice in the last few years), you're the one in control of how that affects your life. The first time I was laid off I felt like I lost a part of my identity. The second time I gave the proverbial Man the finger and decided to actually live my fuckin life and somehow that energy and personal growth brought me to where I am now.
I know all of that comes from an amazing place of privilege/luck and might not be relevant to your situation. But I really do believe that it's important to step back and consider what you're in control of. A layoff is just a thing that happens to you, but it's up to you to choose how to let that thing affect you and to decide how you want to move forward.
This is so, so good. Your raw honesty and also, OMG, the huge green cat. If only cats *could* be assigned to people.
I hope the vultures recede and that you look at yourself with kind, squinting, saved eyes. And: if you haven't already come across Stephanie Foo's What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma, I highly, highly recommend it.
Hi, Irena! I don’t know that book and I will definitely look to pick it up soon. Thank you so much. That artist David Shrigley’s creations speak to me with such an economy of words, time and time again. I absolutely recommend looking into his fuller body of work.
Without hyperbole (okay, with, a little bit) I will be forever grateful to you for introducing me to David Shrigley's work. WOW. Thank you!
Tara Giancaspro: Whew: You are a wonderfully VIVID writer.
You are very gifted and I read your work with fascination and love.
I have OCD with morbid ruminations described well in Judith Rapoport's, "The Boy who couldn't Stop Washing his Hands: The Experience and Treatment of Obsessive Personality Disorder" (3 December 1991, Berkley Reissues (Penguin Publishers), ISBN-13 : 978-0451172020).
I have been FREE of the torments for over 30 years! (I am now 76.) I had suffered under the ruminating OCD since I was six-years-old, literally.
When you describe your feelings toward yourself with CPTSD, I can at least identify with how crippling the ruminations were in my life.
I don't know and am not capable of knowing how to treat CPTSD.
But YOU are WORTHY of FULL HEALING.
You attract those who love the arts, which I do.
You cannot share so deeply and so beautifully without embodying spirituality those gifts and beauty WITHIN.
Please, have loved ones who VALIDATE your self-love.
Matt is right. Mere diagnosis is not enough. But in large cities, there are good psychologists who are capable to lead you long term to self-healing.
I go weekly and I am not ashamed of it.
You are WORTHY to LOVE YOURSELF and to have a full, happy life.
Please, keep sharing.
Please: STAY STRONG!
You are so kind. I too deal with OCD - the even numbers on the radio or else the world will end, to distracting degrees. The severe germ phobia, made so much worse by the pandemic. Obsessive thoughts. I’m right there with you. Thank you for trusting me with that.
Thank you so much for the inclusion. And just when I think you can’t be anymore perfect, I find out you’re a Dr Who fan too 💕
Big hugs to you and sending massive healing vibes out in the universe for you. As someone who's current rent space is the Upside Down, thank you for sharing your truth. I also appreciate the levity at the end. I was practically CRYING watching that Curb Your Enthusiasm clip. I need to remember that phrase if I ever have an encounter like that. Well, maybe not a skinhead-type of encounter, but an encounter that requires me to react in a way that's not typical for me. LOL Also, SERIOUSLY JELLY that you work at that place. I immediately felt a calm come over me just watching that clip. Crossing fingers that they keep you! Absofuckinlutely LURVED "Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare." And my reason for seeing it was Henry and Alan. I've been a fan of Alan since his Smallville and his douche-canoe character days from that show "Blue Mountain State." I was NOT expecting him to be that yoked in the movie. I was like, "Uh. Wow." <rapid blinks inserted here> Gurrrl, you DEFINTELY need to watch Reacher. I think he did a better job than Tom Cruise. I didn't know he auditioned for American Idol... WHAAAT?! Utterly crazy. I did not know that! I follow him on IG and didn't know he sang until I watched Reacher and decided to follow him. He posts himself singing on there and I'm just like, dead. His wife is a lucky bitch. That's all I gotta say about that. He said he was single in the clip so that must've been BEFORE he met his wife.
If you're ever in New York, that garden is open to the public! And obviously call me so we can grab lunch. lmaooo at yoked, honestly just love the way you phrased that
And yes we LIKE the wife but we're all like "baby if you mess up even ONCE I'm coming to get my MAN."
BWAHA!! Agreed! And would totally do lunch with you! I've only been to NYC once and felt completely overwhelmed by Times Square. My ex and I were in walking distance of that place, and it was just... TOO MUCH!! I visited a nonprofit creative writing center located in Park Slope and I was like, "OK. If I could handle the weather here (homegirl here DOES NOT do cold), I would consider living here."
See I can't do hot!!!
Most people can't. Lol That's why we have snowbirds. I've lived here (AZ) nearly all my life. My blood has thinned to water. Lol I couldn't live anywhere else unless it was tropical.
Oh I’ve always wanted to visit AZ!
C'mon down! It's a dry heat. Be prepared to cook like a fried egg and drink more water than you've ever drunk in your life. LOL
ugh LOVE this
also tysm for the shoutout queen 🥹🫶🏽
Oh and Happy Mothers day to a fur baby Momma
Oh, this made me want to cry. I was just reflecting on how despite everything I was shown and taught, I know in my heart that I am a really good mother to my little chickens. They give me so much healing.
Oh i definitely know many don't get the credit they deserve for being Moms of any creatures. Do we not worry and coo? Fuss over their lives? Of course we do. ♥️