barry keoghan: it’s sart of like an ohnion snack
A guest post with Noa Bourne to talk about Barry Keoghan's son's Funyuns.
She is the only bitch I stomach constantly having her Do Not Disturb up. Literally I just sit like this1 until I hear from her own thumbs whether Lily Allen and David Harbour are having marital strife or whether Alicia Silverstone is still alive after eating loose London bushfruit that turned out to be the bad kind of nightshade2 (as of today, she confirmed she is “alive and well” but since that statement was made without a live video update…I maintain my suspicions):
I sent her the above tweet about actor Barry Keoghan and we got into it. This post is inspired by
, our queen and reason for living, because I did ask Noa if we should “pull a Hunter” and do a Google Doc post about it. Noa’s summation of the events around Barry Keoghan’s fatherhood are below.NB: okay that sounds good. also on record it took me a full three minutes to remember how to type in a document on my phone
this week, the artist known as deuxmoi reported breakup rumors for hollywood’s favorite small couple, sabrina carpenter and barry keoghan. (people magazine has since reported they’re “on and off.”)
you may know it’s been nine months since sabrina saw a screening of saltburn and set her sights on barry. which, to each their own, but that’s a crazy movie to see and be like, “i need him.” HE RIPS A BREATHING TUBE OUT OF LIVING LEGEND ROSAMUND PIKE’S THROAT. anyway…for the past nine months, they’ve been going to dinners and being short and getting photographed doing it. they filmed a sexy little music video! they’re having a good time.
allegedly not having such a good time? barry’s ex-girlfriend and son. while he’s been gallivanting all over tinseltown, enjoying his new it-boy status and his polly pocket girlfriend, he’s gotten deadbeat allegations from stan twitter for seemingly letting his coparenting duties fall to the wayside. when the breakup rumors started, so did the discourse. would being newly single free up time for him to finally hang out with brando? (i can’t get over the kid being named brando. imagine looking at your newborn baby and saying, “let’s call him brando!”) the answer was yes. he beat the deadbeat allegations! yay, barry! however, he did not beat the feeding brando funyuns allegations, and that is why we’re here today. because what the hell is a funyun, even?
And our unhinged texts:
NB: is the baby eating funyuns
TG: No yeah he absolutely is
NB: not feeding brando funyuns like he's really not beating the allegations
TG: Honestly I do think the Funyuns are a psyop component like "yeah see l'm a normal dad and sometimes that's all the kid will eat so yeah I'm giving him his fucking corn products or whatever Funyuns is"
TG: What do you think an Irish person saying Funyuns sounds like
NB: i can't even begin to imagine what an irish person saying funyuns sounds like
TG: I know. Do we hire Saoirse Ronan?
NB: i've also never had a funyun so this is giving me so much to think about
TG: Me either
TG: it’s onion
TG: I have to assume
TG: But I feel like all of these foods are corn-forward
NB: oh it's just onion flavored?
NB: it's not like a crunchy onion?
TG: Girl I don't fucking know who am I, Carmy Berzatto
NB: does barry keghan feed his baby funyuns during his quarterly visit and other things i've pondered recently
NB: i think carmy berzatto would actively rebuke the concept of a funyun, whatever it is
TG: No he would like make his own like Rob Lowe with the burger in that one episode of Parks
TG: And then Tina would be like "shut the fuck up Jeff, go have the real Funyun”
TG: I need PR Noa for a moment
TG: IS this a public relations move, and if so why now?
NB: okay here’s what i think. i don’t think he’s a deadbeat dad by any stretch of the imagination, really. it seems like he sees the kid about as much as is feasible when you live and work in another country, and he loves him. like, the mom’s not willing to move to los angeles, and i get that. they make it work. that part is really not my business. but i think he definitely sees people saying he’s a deadbeat, joking that he’ll see brando more now that he’s maybe not dating sabrina. and that’s where he’s like, oh, i can play this up. people are talking about me right now, let me post a picture of my baby, people will talk even more. at the end of the day, it’s good for the bottom line! even what we perceive to be bad press, that’s still people who know his name.
TG: And Sabrina, was that legitimate or was that a public relations relationship?
NB: i think it’s somewhere in the middle. i think most of these relationships are somewhere in the middle, honestly. like, there’s no doubt it’s good for them to date each other. you get better press from that, like, commenting on each other’s instagram posts and going to coachella together, in the case of barry and sabrina, than if you’re just dating some rando. for example, the guy ana de armas dated after ben affleck worked for tinder or something, and that relationship made absolutely no noise when she’s a pretty high-profile celebrity whose last relationship was heavily documented by press. and you can say that’s because she was calling the paps less or whatever, but you can’t tell me there’s no organic interest in ana de armas. we know for a fact that’s not true. so it’s clearly because there’s no interest in who she’s dating. but at the same time, these celebrities dating each other is really no different from dating someone you went to high school with, or, like, one of your friends’ friends.
TG: I personally think that too many are attributed to being relationships where managers pitch each other their clientele to fake date, having the celebrities only interact in orchestrated Gelson’s runs and…rigged SuperBowl wins? More likely, in my opinion, celebrities flock to each other given their insular worlds and the few who would share that understanding. If Gracie Abrams’ management is strongly encouraging her to get real cute with Paul Mescal after seeing them briefly interface at the same party, knowing the man wears those little spankie pants so he can pretend to tie his shoe and then start a Fuckboy 5K in the middle of a date, that walks hand in hand with reality. If Sabrina saw Barry and thought “wow, that relationship would get me a ton of attention” and slid into his DM’s, that merges with realism. For people to insinuate that every relationship is a PR relationship negates the fact that people fuck.
TG: I mean…
NB: exactly. like, they fuck! not every relationship you see in hollywood is completely orchestrated by CAA. but you can’t deny that it’s not convenient for a couple like paul mescal and gracie abrams, who are both CAA clients, to both be promoting projects, she has an album out and he’s about to have the new gladiator, and doing the out and about routine. same with doja cat and joseph quinn. she has outright told us she likes him in the past, but the timing of them actually going out is…suspicious, to say the least. you know semi-homemade with sandra lee? i would call these relationships semi-organic. they like each other! but they also like the press they get from each other. and more importantly, so do their people, the projects they work on, etc. i’ll go out with paul mescal if it’ll be good for my career, in case anybody is wondering.
TG: Also more importantly than any of this, I always named Kaley Cuoco and Henry Cavill as THEE PR relationship but he genuinely loves blondes and rolls deep with them. So now maybe I think Ms. Big Bang Theory actually banged it out and just called Backgrid to document for his posterior posterity.
noa bourne (she/her) is a college student and occasional writer of
, where she publishes pop culture commentary about everything from a to zack bia. she’s also the head of marketing and publicity at sentience entertainment, a boutique production company. in her free time, you can find her tweeting increasingly complicated celebrity gossip riddles at @thenoasletter, because she cannot afford to get sued.
Also, I spent so much time looking for a video of any Irish person saying Funyuns, and only found a Scot. It was anticlimactic. I have still never had a Funyun.
Let me tell you, my white ass LOVES this song.
Can’t express enough how valuable taking the time to watch this is, as someone who does not even have the TikTok app on her phone.
 | A guest post by
|
Well said
Yes hello, I can speak about funyuns. My credentials are that I would spend my lunch money on a bag of funyuns every single day for a good portion of my time in elementary school. They are vaguely corn based! They're these crunchy corn-ish O's in the shape of onion rings, in that ideally they are somewhat flat and round. But they have a delightfully onion flavor that most certainly made me and my fellow third graders have the most potent onion breath. I remember them being awesome, but also I was like 8.