MYYYY GLADIATAH!
In which Jayson Buford and I discuss Gladiator II.
I wanted to see Ridley Scott’s Gladiator II to go full Reubens mode over Paul Mescal’s thighs but I decided to keep myself unarrested and planned an outing with my friend internet (and now real-life) buddy
The plot, from Wikipedia because it’s Thanksgiving weekend and I am much like Garfield, entirely made of lasagna rn and therefore too stuffed to care1:
“Sixteen years after the death of Marcus Aurelius, Rome is ruled by the corrupt twin emperors Geta and Caracalla. Aurelius's grandson, Lucius Verus, lives under the alias "Hanno" with his wife Arishat in the North African kingdom of Numidia. The Roman army led by General Acacius invades and conquers the kingdom, killing Arishat and enslaving Lucius. Shipped to Ostia, the new slaves are advertised as potential gladiators and forced to fight feral baboons. Lucius savagely kills a baboon, impressing the stable master Macrinus, who promises Lucius an opportunity to kill Acacius if he wins enough fights in Rome.”
Here be spoilers, although we totally left the arm out. Good on us!
Tara: Okay. Most important thing first. What happened to my good bitch Dondas at the end? Did she take the small, furred knee to Paul Mescal? Or did she stand to him and fight for her dominion, because with Macrinus’ fall and Cavatelli or whatever the fuck his name was getting shanked in the ear…crown is hers. Laurels are hers!!!
Jayson: Dondas, who is the pet monkey that the Emperor Caracalla owns, is going to be sent to the physical world of nature again. No need for her to be in debt to Paul Mescal’s Lucius. Allow her to thrive on her own finally. It is the least any of these guys can do.
Tara: I hope they at least send her off with her little wardrobe so she can stunt on the hoes of the forest. It was very important for me to give her her Roman flowers. Which are probably just…leaves? But the person who most deserves their wreaths is of course Denzel. Let’s talk Denzel. This is not a Paul Mescal picture, this is a two-hander between Ridley Scott and Denzel Ass Washington. Go.
Jayson: Early in his scenes in Gladiator II, Denzel tilts his head watching Paul Mescal fight some feral baboons, as if he sees something enticing in Mescal’s Lucius. The viewer is watching him watch someone else and it is more riveting than the fight itself. The most fulfilling aspect of this movie is watching Denzel’s Macrinus carve a lane for himself in the same cruel and inhumane system that once enslaved him. The fact that he is the only Black man in Rome adds to this. It’s truly a strong supporting role by him, and it would be the best performance of some people’s careers. Moreover, because Denzel is perhaps the most talented, and brilliant actor of all-time, it might not even be in the top thirty. He’s that good.
Tara: Denzel is our finest modern Shakespearean actor, and he is so fucking riveting playing basically Sir Hiss from the fox Robin Hood that all the wack weeaboo girls want to fuck2. It truly took me until he started maneuvering the syphillitic Carbonara (also like not Caracalla having the Caraclap???) that I understood his final master plan and his arc for the film. He gestures at Michael Emerson’s Ben Linus from LOST, if he wasn’t asexual and really into pushing that little wheel around. You know the guy has some headass intentions but you don’t know exactly what they are, and it’s probable through the inscrutability of their performance that they are coming from some area of good. He plays at being contented with his bisexual whoring (which I endorse) and his human cockfights and his like next-season Guo Pei3 that you don’t necessarily suspect that his ambitions will travel much further than being this cape-swishing bad bitch. The “I own…………...your house” is Kyle Richards from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills snatching Kim’s house. It is Kenya Moore twirling and belting that she is Gone with the WIND fabulous. It is Nene Leakes staring in horror at a white refrigerator. It is Luann de Lesseps feeling Jovani. It is the most fun I have had watching a performance this year outside of literally Luann de Lesseps singing “Feeling Jovani” at the Wellmont Theater in Montclair, New Jersey. The air is rich with Karen Huger’s 18-wick candles, delusion and bergamot, but like 51 percent bergamot since he almost had it!! He almost did it!! Did you feel from the start that he was going full villain? Where did you think he was headed?
Jayson: He felt like a full villain - he literally has a servant try to violently initiate Lucius the first time they truly meet - but I did not know that he was going to last the whole movie. The twists are excellent; he’s there to wreak havoc on the system, and manipulate anyone that he can. We rarely see Denzel in self-preservation/corrupt politician mode. He’s a villain in Training Day but he isn’t exactly working the system. It’s working for him, and that day with Ethan Hawke’s character is an act of desperation throughout it. Here, he feels more in charge, and not just attempting to be in charge. It could be his seniority, but here, with the grey beard and the hoop earrings, he is in command of himself adeptly.
Tara: What do you feel Macrinus was preserving of himself? He seems to, especially for a Black man in this era, to have survived and thrived already in his current station. Look at the earrings. He’s bouncing around like Spike Lee saying it’s not his “cup of tea,” but we only hear little of his experience as an enslaved person and there is no seeming threat of his recapture, financial erosion, or even any direct competitor to his achievements.
Jayson: He’s preserving his ambitions, an ambition that was born out of the same system that he is trying to outrun. No disrespect to Lucius, but I could have watched a whole movie about Denzel’s character.
Tara: I could have watched a prequel story about Macrinus as well. Imagine the robes. Imagine the ascension of this character from eye-rolling subservience to glee. I’d miss seeing Denzel because I don’t know if I’d WANT anyone else to play Macrinus, but if you had to cast a younger portrayer, who would it be?
Jayson: That’s the thing. It might be a de-aged Denzel. One of the reasons why he is the greatest ever to me, is that there isn’t someone who combines the many things we love about cinema: stardom, undeniable artistic talent, celebrity, and prestige. Mr. Denzel has it all. He’s charming, he’s sexy - even Macrinus flows throughout this movie with a possible sexuality that is waiting to come out - and I can’t imagine anyone else doing this.
Tara: I think you’re right and I would have to allow whoever de-aged RDJ for Civil War to do Denzel because sorry, John David isn’t cutting it. Olivia might, because it’s super obvious from every interview that Denzel is backing her as his successor.
How did you, since you’ve mentioned Lucius, feel about Paul Mescal’s and the other performances in the film? Who felt flat and who stood out?
Jayson: Mescal's fine, he’s a very good actor - he’s stunning in Aftersun. I felt that he was excellent when he had to be an abandoned son, but not quite as good as a general or a gladiator. He is missing Crowe’s obvious toughness and pitbull face.
Tara: I found Mescal to be excellent…given the limited demand of the role. It’s a simple arc: fridged wife, vigilante justice, kind to those more marginalized than he, some screaming, some yelling, some giving everyone COVID-193 AD by biting that damn wendigo. He hit every note in a fringe skirt and looked incredible doing it. My god. That nose. He is staggeringly gorgeous and wields softness and anger effectively at each required turn. Again, it’s not a performance that requires much beyond that every leading man in an action drama is supposed to do. I don’t know if he would ever be considered for Macrinus, or even an Emperor Geta. But he acted as a movie star, the way Chris Hemsworth made a sumptuous five-course meal and Thorious career in his five minutes of camera time at the top of Star Trek. Now Pedro Pascal, the most charming man on the planet, phoned this shit in. I was shocked. Wet fucking thud of an effort. No chemistry with Ms. Dani Beck, the most minuscule angst over his attempts to provoke an uprising, just nothing. Barely even the cocksurety that would have made us pray for his downfall. I think he walked on that set and said his lines thinking about where he and Sarah Paulson were going on vacation to spend that paycheck. Joseph Quinn as Geta, however, did much more. Didn’t get enough time to go full nut-nut, but the man is a chameleon and I hope he gets another (meatier) demented villain role like this, where he is the main villain, and not solely a villainous pawn. The guy who played Caradelevigne wound up getting SO much more to do and I would have loved to see Joseph Quinn get to play the other K-holed Weasley twin. “They can eat war”? Great line. Give it to Eddie Munson though.
Jayson: Joseph Quinn, from Stranger Things I might add, was weird, in a way that Ridley does not always allow for his actors to be. He is clearly playing from Joaquin Phoenix’s notes as Commodus in the first Gladiator. Still, Quinn’s a bumbling, whiny, power-hungry incel in this, and I wonder if this will elevate his career. One question: Speaking of Ms. Dani Beck, I almost would have rather Connie Nielson had just been her SVU character in this. If Dani Beck was in Rome, around this time, what would she be doing?
Tara: Like Lucilla and any red-blooded woman, trying to marry Pedro Pascal or, because she is no longer his mother in this scenario, trying to not get Paul Mescal to pull a runner. What did you think of Pedro’s work?
Jayson: Vaguely disappointing, not just how he phoned it in, but in how he lets Mescal out-charm him. Maybe the role is somewhat nothing, but even in the final scene with Mescal where he surrenders, it is quite dry. I’ve seen him play a villain on Original Law and Order that had more personality than this dude.
Tara: Did this film need a sequel? What do you make of its victorious end, where Maximus is avenged, and the royal bloodline is restored with Lucius, a just figure, at the helm? I feel this film is tonally discordant with our recent election of a mad king, and because of that pessimism I was anticipating Lucius too to fall. Did the ending inspire (in you) any hope for our present reality?
Jayson: No sequel needed; Conclave 2, however, was something that could have been more interesting. But, this feels like the right ending. The story is finished. When it comes to our reality, where Donald J. Trump is now president again after an ugly and bloody - literally - campaign, I can’t see anything that strikes me as pertinent. However, this is making me wonder about Macrinus. What would Macrinus be in the Democratic Party? (Macrinus is much too bisexual to be a Republican). Maybe it is him who should go against whoever the Republican candidate will be in 2028.
Tara: Would he be a Joe Manchin? He has too much sauce to be Joe Manchin. But he would bid himself out to the highest, and he would have the party boat. He would be a flip-flopping Tulsi, but he’s too smart to be in a toenail-eating cult. Maybe he’s Hillary because he flopped so badly. He’d wear one of her little headbands and it would slay.
Jayson: Someone I am thinking about is Ridley Scott, who is a wonderful filmmaker, despite his late-career, which is not terrific. He had a blast making this. Tools have developed since Gladiator and he is now able to flex his ability to make the spectacle happen. How impressed were you with Ridley?
Tara: I watched the first Gladiator for the first time just a few days ago so I could compare the two stories. Scott I feel still told a compelling story, with relevant political commentary, and summoned strong performances, most notably with Denzel of course, Joseph Quinn, and the guy who played Calamari. The practical materials are so elevated from the original, especially the costumes, and the scope is so expanded from the first. Some of the CGI looks like liquid ass (especially one shot in the beginning of boats on profoundly uncanny valley waters) but to create a prestige film (given the talent involved) of this magnitude is not solely a remarkable feat for a visionary who has more than earned his rest, but it harkens back to the Technicolor era of your Cleopatras and Bens-Hur. Spectacle has always existed in film, and given that our modern spectacles are grayscale “gritty” Marvel movies with the worst cinematography and color-grading you’ve ever seen (if you can SEE who is fighting onscreen), I’m thrilled that Ridley made something big and beautiful, even if the plot is a bit predictable. He dug for verisimilitude and novelty in the performances speaking this story, though, and I’m really glad he made this. I’d watch it again. Would you watch it again?
Jayson: I would watch it in parts, particularly if I was showing Denzel to everyone. The first one is more re-watchable, because it fits into an idea of nostalgia.
Tara: I think we can wrap but, two final questions for you. One, please give our audience some Denzel films to watch, or what you would program in a Denzel marathon. And two - how did Paul Mescal retain that arrow shard he broke out of Arishat’s dead chest like…he had that shit up his asshole like Chris Walken’s watch, right?
Jayson: My starting five: Point guard, Crimson Tide, made by Ridley’s brother, Tony Scott. Malcolm X is the two guard, only the greatest performance of all-time. My wingman is He Got Game, my four man is American Gangster and my fifth man is Training Day. It’s a complicated answer, because I feel like I am missing some of his more stage-like roles, which he single-handedly makes watchable. Fences is corny - in a way - but he is so fantastic in it, and his role brings such a presence to the screen that I did not hate it even though it is a movie that my parents would make me watch. Secondly, he definitely had it in his ass.
This highly specific note is brought to you by the letter “my ex-husband is dating a girl exactly like this now.”
RIP Macrinus, you would have loved Rihanna’s 2015 Met Gala appearance:
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Loved reading this but I really came to this comment box to scream about the second footnote omg