145. The Hottest Guys at the Oscars
And: how Andrew Garfield got me kicked off of Raya.
1. Marty Scorsese
Preserving classic cinema and the theatergoing experience is TRUE hot girl shit. Marty the Stallion. Was vomitously delighted to see the king in a small cameo role during Conan’s excellent “CinemaStreams” sketch.
2. Two-Time Holocaust Survivor Adrien Brody
Adrien Brody had two controversies going against him: his Joe Black “everyting gwan be irie” ass food-poisoned Jamaican patty of an introduction to the one, the only Sean-a Paul on Saturday Night Live. I mean, Jesu Cristo, if you haven’t seen this I am so sorry to drag you down with me:
He has never been asked back to host the show, in the 21 years of its run since that man put on that shake-and-do-not-pass-go wig and ascended that stage. Celine Dion, he was not!! Hell, Adele he was not!! The second is the (in)famous kiss he planted on Halle Berry upon his first Oscar win in response to his being deemed the youngest-ever winner for Best Actor in The Pianist. Berry’s identity as a Black woman and documented abuse survivor soured this moment like oversunned grapes, particularly after the #MeToo and #TimesUp efforts led across Hollywood, especially by other Black women including
.The votes were tallied, the polls were closed, and for all we know Timothee Chalamet had three more votes. But when Halle Berry ran-into her once and former smoocher on the red carpet, she offered grace in the face of his unquestionable unconsent, returned the favor, appeased the gods of a fuller circle, and cemented that man and his beautiful fucking nose that win.
Win he did. But not before he began his incline to the podium, realized he still had done Dentyne Ice in his mouth, and flung it to his girlfriend Georgina Chapman, who caught it in midair. I’m disgusted. I’m secondhand Purelling. I’m wondering when my gum-flinging prince will come.
That man THREW HIS HUBBA BUBBA GRAPE TAPE NEARLY ONTO THE DOLBY THEATER CARPET AND HIS DOTING GIRLFRIEND INSTINCTUALLY KNEW TO CATCH IT AND HIT A LITTLE DERVISH SPIN LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF I LOVE LUCY. He then went on to shout out HARVEY WEINSTEIN’S CHILDREN as he is not their stepfather but the father that stepped up. This man’s rizz is off the motherfucking charts.
I want to suck on his nose. Sexually, if I needed to clarify.
3. Conan O’Brien
I’m looking for a man in comedy, 6’4”, redhead - !
God, Conan was great. This tall glass of carrot juice strode that stage with a light spray-tan and a navy blue suit in the second half that I would have paired with a shirt lighter than the cornsilk blue that accompanied but was tailored to the leggy heavens.
I just love a redhead. I laughed! I loved the song! I just love a redhead.
4. Willem Dafoe
My birthday twin. It’s the creams.
5. Yura Borisov
More like YuRAW Borisov. I’m sorry to his lovely wife.
6. Andrew Garfield fawning all over Goldie Hawn like that
I feel a trickle of shame like sweat under my tits after a light spring walk every time I see Andrew Garfield, and that is because he got me kicked off of Raya.
You see! Andrew broke up with his witch of a girlfriend, in which I mean literal “spiritual mentor” of magick Dr. Kate Tomas, last August and promptly joined the exclusive invite-required dating app Raya. This was WIDELY REPORTED including screenshots of his Raya profile, which are verboten to take: the app will tell you at the time you screenshot that this is a forbidden activity and future violations will result in you being banned.
A day later I post this tweet, which instantly goes viral, leads to hundreds of people either pledging to apply for membership or renew their paid membership (because you get dust from the platform unless you pay 20 dollars or more a month).
And how is my INCANDESCENT unpaid marketing rewarded? They found the tweet, and kicked me off! It’s my fault entirely! But I blame him! And despite this deeply one-sided grudge, he is ranked sixth, my luck number mind you, because goddamn does he look good in this chocolate brown silk, and he has saved me 24.99 a month swiping left on finance bros and Bad Bunny, who let’s be so for real was never going to swipe back on me, and right on Brett Goldstein and Brett Goldstein alone.
7. Jeff Goldblum
From
, and also holy fuck daddy:
And from the CHANEL And Charles Finch Annual Pre-Oscar Dinner and yes I cropped out his wife let me live:
8. Jeremy Strong, in brown, and Kieran Culkin, in black (tie)
This is always my response to Jeremy Strong wearing the color brown:
Jeremy has thrice1 worn shades of green on the red carpet in recent campaign history, and I grew frightened. Something has changed within him, something is not the same...Was he in deep verdant method study for a new role? He did not abandon his “monastic chic” brown throughout his promotional turns for Succession and Enemy of the People. What role would so devastate his closet of brown upon brown layers and bucket hats so, to leap from poop hue to…malnourished poop hue? Mojo Jojo, in a gritty Powerpuff Girls character study by Gus Van Sant? (Actually I would watch that.) Or was it that he had so steeped inside the seedy gay mind of Roy Cohn for The Apprentice that his vestments turned to the color of money, a trapping of psychosis beyond any hope of return?
Babygirl of the people did not fail us, and conquered the darksided entities afoot just in time for the Oscars. Despite Town & Country referring to his ensemble as “olive green” baby that is brown. It counts! Our living embodiment of Princess Diana herself, Jeremy Strong, has been spared, and so have we all, as we return world order in supplication of our uniting mantra, first spoken in Esperanto and now spoken in all Duolingo languages including Elvish: “The three things you’re going to be certain of are death, taxes, and that Jeremy Strong will be wearing brown.” Expect lower costs of eggs and the next presidential assassin to not miss, as of 12:30pm ET tomorrow.
Despite Robert Downey Jr. and his platform shoes giving that singing endorsement to our girl Jeremy, it was his Succession costar Kieran Culkin who took home the award. Despite rumblings of a feud betwixt the pair, Kieran ran on his little Pomeranian legs to embrace Jeremy, who gave one of the sunniest smiles I have seen on him in some time:
He also singled out Jeremy immediately after thanking RDJ onstage, saying in a bleeped segment “He's right, by the way. Jeremy, you're amazing in The Apprentice. I love your work. It's fucking great. I'm not supposed to single anyone out. It's favoritism. Anyway, but you were great." I saw both performances. Kieran is a marvel in this movie, which of any award deserved a screenwriting win for Jesse Eisenberg’s humble and wholly surprising story of inherited familial trauma and the sacrifices of growing up. But Jeremy’s steel snakish eyes of Roy Cohn are no lesser than the eyes of Dr. T.J. Eckleburg in their inscrutable but scrutinizing gaze. I will never forget them. He, like Adam Pearson for A Different Man, were robbed of rightful recognition for these performances.
What Kieran did not fully merit in competitive performance he atoned for in charm.
Surprise surprise. “This is — please don’t play the music because I want to tell a really quick story about Jazz [Charlton, his wife],” he began. “About a year ago, I was on a stage like this and I very stupidly, publicly said that I want a third kid from her because she said if I won the award, I would, she would give me the kid. It turns out she said that because she didn’t think I was gonna win, but then people came up to her and were like, you know, really annoying her, I think, I think it got to her, but anyway. After the show…she goes, ‘Oh God, I did say that. I guess I owe you a third kid,’ and I turned to her and I said, ‘Really I want four.’ And she turned to me, I swear to God this happened, it was just over a year ago, she said, ‘I will give you four when you win an Oscar.’ I held my hand out, she shook it, and I have not brought it up once until just now.” I melted. This Emmys moment earned some controversy, something about him making his wife a brood mare, I don’t know, she seemed to enjoy it just fine. For him to double down? I melted. When he called her “love of my life, ye of little faith,” I swooned. What is the past tense of “became jealous?” I jealled. A prince. He has, by the way, said the name “Emily Gerson Saines” so often on this awards circuit that I think it is a sleeper cell activation code for me and if he says it one more time I’m going to slit the throat of a random Argentinian general for reasons unbeknownst to myself in a Gersonsainsian trance.
9. Oscars Announcer Nick Offerman
The dulcet tones of Duke Silver himself? Oh, I’m bussin’.
10. The guy who thanked his cats and dogs while accepting the Oscar for Flow
I just thought what he said was nice.
11. Lol Crawley
More like Lol CRAWley. I’m sorry to his lovely wife.
12. Adam Sandler
He said “Chalamettttt” and I swooned. He hijacked the entire broadcast from a man 7 inches taller than him and I swooned. I love a scruffy Jewish guy! I love a Jewish guy in general! Great lays! The women are too! Ask me how I know (I am one)!
13. I am only placing Colman Domingo this low because we all know he’s actually number one but it’s unfair to keep letting him stunt on the hoes EVERY TIME like this so he is number 13 here
♫ Now we're back in the house, in the hot tub, she's there with (Colman) Domingo
Ask us to leave, get a hotel, she's vibing with (Colman) Domingo ♫
14. Paul Tazewell
I still think that Ariana’s pink Glinda dress looks like thinly-sliced sandwich ham, but he certainly looked after himself for the big night:
The first Black man to win the Oscar for costuming gave a lovely speech, and he seems like an equally lovely person. I loved that he got a moment to hug Bowen Yang during the exceptional setpiece for announcing the costuming nominees as well - bring that back next year!
15. Mick Ass Jagger
16. The sandworm from Dune 2: Electric Dunaloo
A talented musician and 4700 teeth. What’s not to love? They should have let him give the acceptance speech for the film’s back-to-back sound and visual effects wins.
17. The guy who wrote the Sing Song
His name is Abraham Alexander and I don’t have anything funny to add, this man is fine as hell and is welcome to call me.
18. Bowen Yang and Matt Rogers
(speaking truth to power in the
by Oscars chat)19. The hot firemen who fought the California wildfires including that one blonde lesbian in the soft glam
Fireman’s daughter checking in to say I cried!!! I loved this segment and it is exactly what’s so silly and successful about Colin Jost being tasked with saying Michael Che’s racist jokes once a year on Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.
The firewoman is Pasadena Fire Department Captain Jodi Slicker, and I have no idea if she’s a lesbian but she should call me. My dad would be delighted to have me on firefighters’ health insurance.
20. Daniel Blumberg
You may call him Gru on Mounjaro…I call him a timid lil guywho absolutely seems like an unbridled freak in the sheets. Lessgo! (Also it’s WILD that he’s the former frontman for Yuck, a band whose drummer is still one of my (rare) ones that got away in the percussion department…)
21. Quentin Tarantino, the Foot Prince Himself
I can’t help it, I love the guy. I was so happy to see him.
…486. Hulu, for the fucking STREAM CUTTING OUT RIGHT BEFORE BEST ACTRESS
487. Zachary Braff
GET THAT ,MAN AND HIS ENDLESS (4. 4!!!!!) T-MOBILE COMMERCIALS OFF MY FUCKING TELEVISION.
No disrespect to Donald Faison though, it’s all love.
Some loosies:
I have no jokes for this moment. I was so thrilled to see No Other Land receive the Oscar for documentary feature and be given this opportunity to speak so bravely, considerately, and effectively. Free Palestine. Watch this if nothing else included here:
Gasped into tears when I saw David Lynch in the Memoriam because I forgot for one blessed fucking hour that he’s gone.
I wanted to include my beloved Seb Stan in the actual ranked list but I didn’t see this video until 2:56am and I didn’t want to have to retool every single ranked number because I want to go to SLEEPIES so just enjoy Sebastian Stan being sweet to his beautiful mother:
From Desuana:
Sarah Paulson by LoveSac:
Hi I’m gay!
Looks scratchy, would wear it and insist to my mom that it’s extremely comfortable even though she’s absolutely right it itches like Hades:
Look of the night don’t even PLAY ME:
Only seconded by:
That’s Da’FINE Joy Randolph to you!!!!
More like OKAYmy Winehouse with this mid performance of “Skyfall”!!!! Get Adele!!!
The trouble with Tribbles, but make it fashion:
This Hari Nef spiderweb of delight made me think of Sam:
And this one I had to ask Sam if I liked: I….do?
I am but a red-blooded American male:
I AM BUT A RED-BLOODED AMERICAN MALE:
Jennifer Tilly is one of the best things to happen to Bravo in 2025. That’s all.
I want these to be my first and second and third and fourth wedding dresses, respectively:
Hunter Schafer, to me, is the most beautiful woman we have on this dumb stupid planet:
And I ADORE HER for going untucked at the recent Prada Fall 2025 runway in response to her recent statement about being issued an Assigned Male At Birth passport thanks to Orange McFuckface’s new anti-trans laws:
Love you bitches,
TG
Was obsessed with your comments in the Oscars chat and this recap did not disappoint
Found you through the Hung Up Oscars chat, this was a delight to scroll through!!