153. The Worst Song to Fuck To, Part 3
With entries from Christian Finnegan, Kosoko Jackson, Sophie Lucido Johnson, Riley Elton McCarthy, and more!
I can’t believe I had enough responses for three parts! Included here are podcasters, comedians, and some of my dearest dear friends. Who am I that I have these peoples’ email addreses??! And another pick from me. Imagine 69’ing to this:
Thank you to everyone who has contributed to this silly, silly exercise. It has made this last two months of compiling and publishing a joy, and has given me a needed chance to meet so many new pals. If you have an idea for a future megapost, please drop in the comments along with your own selections!
Click to read part one and part two!
Charlotte Dow: “Kiss Me Thru The Phone” by Soulja Boy and Sammie
“My high school boyfriend and I had our first kiss to this song at my junior prom. It certainly captured the moment (recession hip-hop! Camera phones! Sexting implications!) but I had kind of hoped one of the more important kisses of my youth would be set to something equally corny but more romantic like…I don’t know, “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls. Like much of Soulja Boy’s catalog this one simply doesn’t hold up and the opening strings sound like a fork scraping the bottom of a metal plate. Despite clocking in at just over 3 minutes it feels interminable. And few things will make a millennial drier than the words “Soulja boy, tell ‘em.” However, I did find this song on a Spotify playlist titled “2000s strippers know,” and I have a feeling this went hard in the club at the time. The fact that this didn’t end up on the Hustlers soundtrack feels like an oversight.”
Charlotte Dow is not a hyper-intelligent spider, but she is a 30-something writer, comms consultant, barbershop singer, retired YouTuber, and Person On The Internet. Subscribe to her newsletter, Salutations.
Riley Elton McCarthy: “Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO
“Party Rock Anthem for sure. I recently found out there was an XBOX game for The Black Eyed Peas. Imagine you have sex and then you hear that song and think of Party Rock Anthem for XBOX. An Apple version was planned but cancelled. Imagine whipping out The Black Eyed Peas Experience during sex. The Wii version was poorly received. Fellas what if you’re having sex to party rock anthem and then she whips out the Nintendo Wii nunchuck. She says “check out my motion controls”. I wanna I wanna rock right now I wanna I wanna rock I wanna I wanna rock riiiiight nnnnnooooow--”
is a playwright and lighting designer based in New York. Their work has been seen off-broadway sometimes, but IVORIES premieres in London for its off-west debut in July 2025. rileyeltonmccarthy.com
: “Cantina Band” from Star Wars: A New Hope by John Williams
In college I had a running joke that my sex playlist would be made up entirely of the jaunty, steel drum centric “jizz” tune “Cantina Band” from A New Hope on repeat. Obviously this would be a terrible song to have sex to—it mostly makes me want to drink a piña colada with some sort of outer spacey twist (blue spirulina I guess?) and then do the Charleston—but it’s sort of in the realm of songs I have considered having sex to. As a rule, I’m not a music-during-sex person. I don’t like picking and I’m liable to laugh out loud if played something explicitly sensual to “set the mood”.
What I do really like is jazz—not smooth or obviously sexy jazz, but raucous, noisy, wild, dissonant jazz. “Cantina Band” isn’t jazz (it is “jizz”) but there’s a funny part in the pleasantly mediocre Disney+ John Williams documentary where one of the talking heads (don’t remember who, sorry) says this song could only be written by someone with a strong grasp of the genre (and Williams did put out a real jazz album!). In my head, jazz conjures long nights out in the city that seem very sexy to me, but if you’re anything like me and need to hear this: Sing, Sing, Sing may be the greatest piece of music ever written and also very fun but if you try to get busy to it, you will find it very rhythmically off-putting.
co-hosts a podcast about movies called Film Fest and writes a newsletter about absolutely whatever (but mostly movies) called . She thinks Sing, Sing, Sing should be the national anthem but also that the U.S. should not exist.
: “God Bless the U.S.A.” by Lee Greenwood
“Don't think this needs much explaining in 2025, but for the uninitiated: this song is cringey in any setting, and exponentially more off-putting if I even think about the possibility of listening to it in the bedroom. There are few things more sex-repellent than melodically revering the flag that "still stands for freedom" of a deeply-fucked nation writhing through incorrigible shambles. Or thanking dead soldiers for my lucky stars and stripes while getting boinked. Hard pass!”
Stefania Orrù heads up video production for food & lifestyle brands, She is from New Jersey, and exists on the internet as @stefferonipizza.
: "DO THE WATUSI" by Howie Mandel
“I understand that choosing a novelty song may go against the spirit of this exercise. After all, comedy is inherently unsexy--the 1986 strain in particular. But I'd argue that "Do The Watusi" is a terrible sextune not because of the jokes, but because it's a novelty song with no jokes whatsoever. No, for real: listen to this and try to identify one honest-to-goodness joke. Not a wacky non sequitur in a kooky voice, but something with a setup and punchline. Hell, a setup or punchline! A novelty song this unfunny, it makes you start to question everything. Why was it made? For whose enjoyment? For that matter, has anyone ever enjoyed Howie Mandel?? Like, in particular? More than you'd have enjoyed one of 10,000 other randos in his place? Where does this douche get off parading around the LA podcast scene, presenting himself as some sort of comedy thought leader?? The watusi guy, are you fucking kidding me?? WHY IS HOWIE MANDEL THRIVING MEANWHILE I'M GOOGLING "HOW TO BECOME A PARK RANGER?"
There's only so much cognitive dissonance my genitals can take. Once the 'Tusi gets in my head, I'm in no condition to enjoy 47 seconds of lovemaking, that's for sure.
NOTE: There is one line in "Do The Watusi" that, given the widest of parameters, might qualify as a joke, Just one. Can you identify it? Good luck, but as the saying goes: boner beware!”
is the writer of , a Substack that has gotten me into some really cool bands, and was a talking head on Best Week Ever. As a small, dorky child whose BFF Jill in her preteen years was Vh1, this was an incredible honor for me. You can follow him here.
: Brick’s Curse
“Content Warning: Mentions of abortion, S/A, Suicide and whatever the fuck Live was singing about in Lightning Crashes.
Ah, the halcyon days of the 90s when the men who wrote the hits had the subtlety of a T-Rex in their song titles and subject matter. Nirvana enters the chat with “R*pe Me” (1993), ’nuff said. Sublime stopped by with “Date R*pe” (1992), an upbeat revenge story about an actual S/A with 100% more ska. The Vere Pipe had a minor hit with “The Freshman*” (1996) about an ex-girlfriend who took her own life. Live (an absolutely shit name for a band) had a major hit with the line “Her placenta falls to the floor” (WTF?) on “Lightning Crashes” (1994).
Yet, still, none were more prevalent than “Brick” (1997), by Ben Folds Five.
Jesus fucking Christ, that song was everywhere.
For those unfamiliar with Ben Folds’s oeuvre, Ben is a Grammy-winning multi-instrumentalist/singer/songwriter. He released four albums with Ben Folds Five (who were a trio, by the way) before embarking on a solo career in 2001. He was until recently the Artistic Advisor to the National Symphony Orchestra at the Kennedy Center.
In 1997, however, Ben Folds Five had a global top 40 hit with “Brick”, from the album Whatever, and Ever, Amen, which made it utterly inescapable. It was everywhere: on the radio, on MTV, performed at award shows, in coffee houses, and it was about a young Ben taking his high school girlfriend to get an abortion. Let that one soak in for a minute.
On the rock side of the spectrum, there wasn’t a lot of great bone-worthy music in the 90s, full stop. But can you imagine going feet to Jesus when your background music is about a roll in the hay gone wrong and the traumatic aftermath? I can only imagine, because I would have never put that on a mix CD, I actually listened to the lyrics. That said, it always one of the first things to come on the radio after leaving my girlfriends house. It followed me around like a curse.
However there are plenty of meatballs out there who didn’t and I am sure were like “Slow, sounds romantic, we’re good to go.” These were also subsequently the dudes who would mosh to it, because while many knew how to Rock The Vote, there were even more who didn’t know how to rock.
I’m sure most of those dudes didn’t know how to fuck either.
*In 2021the band’s singer, Brian Van Ark, stated his ex took “poetic license” and had the girl end her life in the song. The ‘90s, amirite?””
John "Hambone" McGuire is a TTRPG writer and publisher from somewhere in the swamps of New Jersey. When he's not rolling dice and watching detective shows, he's working towards a long and fulfilling postponement of death. You can find his work at http://hamandeggpublishing.com. @johnmcguirerpg on instagram | @johnmcguirerpg.bsky.social
: “1000 Miles” by Vanessa Carlton
“For obvious reasons. Also because I had this song on my “Hit Clip” in 1999 and no one needs that reminder.”
Isabelle Correa is a poet from Washington state living in Mexico City. She is the author of the chapbook Sex is From Mars But I Love You From Venus. She is the winner of the 2024 Jack McCarthy Book Prize with Write Bloody Publishing for her debut full-length collection, Good Girl and Other Yearnings, which you can pre-order now. Her work has appeared in Hobart, Pank, The Rebis, and more. Find her on Instagram: @isabellecorreawrites and on Substack: .
Kosoko Jackson: Fuck You, “Fuck You”
“I mean, it kinda hits the nail on the head you know? Also the tempo is weird and what if you under perform? It puts too much expectations in the room. Can you imagine going to pound town trying to keep up that pace and having a man screaming falsetto in your ear? No thank you. Also, there are better funk songs to do the dirty to.”
Kosoko Jackson is a Lambda Award Winning author and the USATODAY bestseller of The Forest Demands Its Due. When not writing, he’s trying to watch 100 movies a year, working on his MBA homework, or juggling teaching responsibilities. He lives in New Jersey with his golden retriever, Artemis. His debut adult horror, THE MACABRE, debuts September 2025.
: “The Hamster Dance” by…hamsters
“i think the hamster dance would be the worst song to come on during sex because it’s such a supremely unsexy song. it barely has lyrics. most are doo doo dee da ditty do do do. also i fear that we would start trying to match the BPM which is insane -”
is a standup & sketch comedian living and working in NYC. New York Comedy Festival named her a “Creator to Watch” in 2024. You can see her performing comedy around the city and at her bi-monthly show at Union Hall, “Sunday Sauce.”
Caroline Ely: “Power of Love” by Huey Lewis and the News
“My submission is the Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News. This suggestion may come from a real life experience I had where my husband and I co-created a sexy playlist. I added Miguel, The Weeknd, etc. My husband added Huey. Things were going great until this number came on and the opening horns were so un-horny, I had to stop what we were doing and turn that shit off. No disrespect to Huey, the News, or the Power of Love! A great song for not having sex to.”
Caroline co-hosts the comedy podcast Good Christian Fun with her buddy . Every week they dive into the upside down world of Christian entertainment. Listen on Patreon or wherever you enjoy podcasts.
: "I'm Your Daddy" by Weezer
“In my opinion, a lot of Weezer songs are unsexy because the lyrics are too distracting, and I even consider myself a Weezer fan (first 4 albums, mostly). "I'm Your Daddy" is the unsexiest song because the "you're my baby tonight and I'm your daddy" line was conceived about his sick daughter when he was visiting her at the hospital (ick) and it's produced by Dr. Luke (double ick).”
is a writer and hosts the podcast Soundtrack Your Life along with Nicole Barlow. He is a contributor at ihavethisonvinyl.comand the soon to be launched .
: “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen
“I feel like Bohemian Rhapsody would be a weird song choice to eff to which is tough because it has to be one of the greatest songs ever.
The song itself is an emotional and rhythmic roller coaster. You would have to sync your strokes to the beat which would be hard (that’s what she said). Jesus that sounds ridiculous. It is, right? Plus the lyrics are very depressing and would definitely tame m’boner.
But I think the main reason why is I can’t eff to this track is I can’t listen to Bohemian Rhapsody without thinking about Wayne’s World. If a beautiful woman was on top of me all I would see is Wayne Campbell (or Garth if she’s blonde).”
is a character comedian you can catch every 3rd Saturday at 9pm with his sketch group Beverly at the Peoples Improv Theater in NYC, and on Instagram @paradenoia.
(Tara jumping in to add that Gary’s “movies with Philly accents” series is the reason I now call boobs “nippietitties” like 65 percent of the time.)
Anna Rose Iovine: “Die With A Smile” by Lady Gaga and Bruno Mars
“Top 40 in general has the potential to kill the vibe, but this recent contender from Lady Gaga and Bruno Mars takes the crown for me. It’s slow in a big band way, not a sensual way, and the subject matter is a bummer. Who wants to think about the apocalypse while getting it on?
There’s also a creepy connotation of “dying with a smile” that evokes a bit of horror if you think about it too much. You’d think during sex you’re focused on other things, but you can’t help what intrusive thoughts pop in your head. I do not want “dying with a smile” to encourage my most nefarious neurons to get to work.
Unfortunately, Gaga tacked this song at the end of her new album, Mayhem. Why, Gaga? Answer for this crime. (She won’t.)”
Anna Rose Iovine is associate editor at Mashable, where she primarily writes and edits stories about sex and dating, and how they intersect with tech.
: Al Comma Weird
“Any of the weird Al polka medleys are really hard to have sex to. I have tried.”
of is a Chicago cartoonist who has seen Weird Al in concert more than 20 times.
(And if I may add, her book Many Love changed my entire life and perspective on love.)
Devon Young: Lose Yourself (in that V!!! - Tara’s note, and I apologize)
“i’m a bad person to ask because i love to laugh during sex. i do find that men really don’t like when you play Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” although this unfortunately does not dissuade me. it’s your loss if you miss your chance to blow this opportunity comes once in a lifetime…”
Devon Young is the founder & director of Little Secret, an event production company in LA. @cuteanon__ @littlesecret_la
: “The Little Drummer Boy”
“Look, you never want to turn your nose up at someone’s idea of romantic ambiance — even though the phrase “don’t yuck my yum” sends a shiver of ice-cold yuck through my very bones, it’s a reasonable ethos. If a woman, upon inviting me into her bedroom, wants to set the mood by queuing up a go-to “sexy time” playlist, I’ll keep things pretty “go with the flow.” And sure, after wading often enough into the dating pool, you get sick of hearing a few songs in particular. I like Sade as much as the next “smooth operator,” so I’ll put up with yet another few minutes of the 1984 sophisti-pop masterpiece Diamond Life if it helps my partner feel relaxed and, very importantly, respected. I’ll even bite my tongue if she wants to hit me with some Marvin Gaye, since I vibe with his political awakening that resulted from his brother’s tumultuous military service during the Vietnam conflict. But, there’s one song I simply cannot abide any longer in moments like these—even if I were in the midst of the hottest, most scrumptious tryst imaginable, I’d have to tap out if this song came on even one more time. Thus, I am positively begging women everywhere to delete it from their “special” playlists tout de suite.
I’m embarrassed to be so worked up about this, and while you might think I’m “humble bragging” — complaining about the ubiquitous soundtrack to my sexual pairings just so I can draw your attention to their admittedly regular recurrence — please believe me when I say would much rather keep mum, were it possible to do so in good conscience. I can’t hold my tongue any longer. I’ll come out and say it.
Yes: “The Little Drummer Boy” has got to go. I don’t care if it’s the classic Frank Sinatra recording, the familiar Ray Conniff tune, or the frankly underrated Bert Kaempfert jam — there is a time and a place. How many evenings have I shared a delicious if calorically imbalanced tapas meal (con Tempranillo, natch) and shimmering banter with a lovely young thing, only to find myself, when finally ready to “seal the deal,” blanching in the dark of her bedroom as a Bluetooth speaker unspools that infernal pa rum pum pum pum? How much is one man supposed to take? Come, they told me, and come, she tells me, but how can I focus on the task at hand while Frank or Ray or even Bert croons about some pipsqueak’s (almost assuredly ahistorical) drumming? No gift to bring? I can think of one: a different song to play during intercourse!”
Corey Beasley will be co-editing Regular Magazine, launching soon: follow us on Instagram at @itsregularmag. Previously, he wrote for a bunch of websites but most lovingly for Cokemachineglow. You can say hi via email: epicgrandeur at gmail.
: “Savages pt. 1 and 2” from Pocahontas
“My friend and I were at a karaoke bar in Florence when a bunch of British guys asked us if they should sing “Zombie” by the Cranberries. We told them absolutely and then we distanced ourselves to the back of the bar once we realized how depressing and violent that song about the Troubles is. Upon another listen, I’ve decided you can probably fuck to the beat of “Zombie” and kinda ignore the lyrics but you CANNOT ignore the lyrics of Savages pt 1 and 2. Again, the beat is fire, but this vocal track is very loud and pronounced. You’d have to be a next level sociopath to go on fucking without being extremely disturbed and distracted by our country’s legacy of racism and genocide delivered via Disney cartoon villain voice. I can feel my vagina close up.”
writes fiction, screenplays, and non-fiction essays on everything from Sex and the City to Dante’s Inferno. A born and raised New Yorker, she briefly swapped cities to earn a Cinema and Media Studies degree at the University of Southern California. She works as a film producer’s assistant by day and is in the process of editing her first novel by night. You can find more of Sophia’s writing in Byline, Mr. Beller’s Neighborhood, 20 to Life Magazine, and on her substack . IG: @sophiamazzella
Schaff with SEVERAL disturbing picks lmao:
“The Kids” by Lou Reed
“(Warning: Tara please don't listen to the song if you haven't already, it will ruin your day)
“It starts with depressing lyrics about a woman who has lost custody of her children (a story parasitically stolen from Lou Reed's ex-wife Bettye Kronstad, who was taken away from her mother at a very young age). Then you hear the children themselves and, my god. Those kids are NOT alright. They are crying for their Mother in horrifyingly realistic ways. Does that sound horrifying just reading the description? It's even worse listening to it. Lou's droning vocals, so deliciously nihilistic on a fun song like Heroin, leads to the anguished wailing of children that make you wish you had never grown eardrums. There was an urban legend that these kids were told that their Mother was dead and then locked in a room to get that vocal reaction from them, but like the story of Margaret O'Brien being told that her dog died to get her to cry in Meet Me In St. Louis, this story is THANKFULLY untrue. It says a lot that it's so believable! The entire Berlin album is the most unfuckable Lou Reed album, and yes I am including Metal Machine Music. I would fuck to Metal Machine Music!”
Kendrick Lamar - “u”
“Honestly, a lot of Kendrick's discography. Keep the entire Mr. Morale album out of your sex playlists! (Except for the one song with the Ghostface feature - Wu Tang is ALWAYS a good choice for sex soundtracks. I said what I said.) But u from To Pimp A Butterfly is the most boner-killing song, by a landslide, if you didn't figure it out once the screaming starts at the very beginning. By the time Kendrick is in his sobbing voice at the halfway point, you'll be staring into the middle distance absorbing this man berate himself and not focused on any downstairs tinglies. Sex is something that a lot of people have hangups about and can therefore be a vulnerable time for many, so you don't need self-flagellation, the sonic equivalent of Paul Bettany in The DaVinci Code, on your speakers.”
David Bowie - “The Laughing Gnome”
“The blackstar tattoo on my leg, currently my only tattoo, means I’m allowed to shit on a Bowie song. First of all, the rhythm to this track, if you can even use the word rhythm to describe an aspect of this hot mess backing track, is TERRIBLE to do any sort of sexual act to. The forced jauntiness is unappetizing. The high-pitched gnome voice IS NOT EVEN BOWIE’s, it’s producer Gus Dudegon’s! Bowie isn’t even the gnome?! Get out of my house. I’m glad Bowie had a good sense of humor about this track decades on, but I do not share it.”
Cardi B & Megan Thee Stallion - “WAP (Clean Version)”
“Tara and I have talked about this IRL! WET. AND. GUSHY. First of all, why am I thinking about elementary school Fruit Gushers? Second, perhaps this is an unpopular opinion, but I wouldn't fuck to the explicit version of this song either. I don't like on-the-nose sexual references in sex playlist and I don't want overt bragadoccious sex songs either. It would make me be in-my-head, comparing my sex skills to Cardi and Meg's in real time. Way to make me self-conscious!”
Bruno Mars - “Versace on the Floor”
“No real reason except PICK UP YOUR CLOTHES. Show some respect!!! There is always enough time in the leadup to sex for a conversation about consent, to discuss protection, testing etc., and there is DEFINITELY enough time to put your Versace on a damn hanger. (You can let my H&M drop to the floor, though, go crazy)”
From Susannah: Washington Square Park Mutual Aid holds a lot of people down every Friday from 5-8pm. https://www.instagram.com/wspmutualaid/?hl=en In addition to directly donating to them, they also shine a light on others who need help.
Alyssa Spatola: “Kielbasa” by Tenacious D
“A prerequisite to sleeping with me is to agree not only that I am hilarious but that any parody song written by, say, Weird Al, Lonely Island, or Tenacious D is terrible and dumb—and thus also hilarious. Unlike most parody songs, “Kielbasa” isn’t just funny—it’s also objectively great, catchy, metal music. So if “Kielbasa” came on, there’s no chance either party could take anything seriously anymore. Although either way, continuing activities or laughing would both be honoring the spirit of Jack and Kyle’s “Kielbasa”. 🫡”
Alyssa Spatola makes graphics, layouts, and merch for As You Are magazine @asyouare_mag.
Daniel Berrios: “She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5
When invited to share my pick for the worst fuck jam, I thought of a couple, dishonorably mentioned below:
"Pink Cellphone" by Deftones. (Starts out breathy, snythy and pulsing, but I guarantee all but a - niche - subset of folx will go limp and dry after Annie Hardy's spoken-word rant about uncircumcised, poo-sloshing butt sex being the reason Brits have bad teeth)
"She's Sexy + 17" by Stray Cats. (See title.)
But Maroon 5's "She Will Be Loved" started up on the radio. I didn't have to think.
I just knew.
Like "Pink Cellphone," the music misleads me into a more fuckable vibe. Gentle arpeggios threaded within fake bossa nova chords and a fake lo-fi beat make me think "foreplay background music, sure. Why not?" But much like the problems within John Carney's underrated 2013 film BEGIN AGAIN, the blame begins with Adam Levine.
When I hear Levine sing, my mind's eye pictures a tattooed pigeon nasally cooing into tangled earbuds.
"Beauty queen of on-ly 18, she's having trouble with herself."
This girl's "only 18" the way a salesman tells you the car only has 10,000 miles on it.
And what trouble does she have with herself? Does she have self-image issues? An eating disorder? Is she bipolar? Does she have trouble managing her to-do lists? Levine doesn't know nor care. The detail's there to let you know this narrator's type in women: pretty, barely legal and emotionally distressed.
Doesn't help that he also describes her later in the chorus as having "a broken smile." Is she also a British buttfucker? Maybe the full chorus will shed some more light.
"I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while
And she will be loved
And she will be loved"
After listening to this gray wash of guitar and lifeless preening, I must ask: Is this man allergic to commitment in the form of writing one perspective? "Your corner." "Look for the girl...ask her...she will be loved."
Is he telling the girl he'll be standing on her corner every day in the pouring rain? Is he pulling a weird pseudo-SAY ANYTHING? Why stand on her corner instead of meet at her house?
Does he say 'your corner' because she's a sex worker? In that case, when he asks if she wants to stay a while, stay where? His hotel? His car? Wouldn't this defeat the sacrificial sentiment of spending every day on her corner in the pouring rain...because they actually don't do this?
The only way I've made this chorus make sense is if the narrator, is in fact, not speaking to this girl (not woman, because if I can describe both someone who's 13 and someone who's 19 as a teenager, then sue me, but I'm gonna think of them both as girls. Legality can fucking bite me.), but rather, if this man is speaking to a group of other men.
I picture Adam Levine, GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS-style, in a boardroom, lecturing fellow losers on how to pick up emotionally distressed women: "Look assholes, - I - don't mind spending EVERY DAY out on YOUR corner...in the pouring rain! You look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay a while, and boom. W.B.L. WILL. BE. LOVED."
This song is lazy, incoherent, stupid and insulting. Make no mistake: If your partner plays this during the deed, they're telling you exactly what they think about you. Damaged goods, easy lay, shitty taste in music. Demand better of your lovers.
Daniel Berrios is the editor-in-chief of THE MOVIES, a pretty self-explanatory podcast. He lives in Fort Worth with his brilliant wife, two indefatigable children and three cats - Jonas, Dio and Cranberry. As they read this, they will yell for you to feed them. Listen not. They are dirty, dirty liars.
: “Karma” by JoJo Siwa
“On paper, “Karma” is supposed to be Jojo Siwa’s entry point into “adult” pop music. But the execution feels more like a kid discovering they can swear, coupled with a painfully awkward music video that features Siwa as a sea creature prone to dry humping on dry land. As such, if this song ever popped up on shuffle while I was having sex, it would cause me to stop, drop and roll, similar to encountering a small fire.”
is a writer who lives in Michigan. Their first novel, Supernormal Stimuli, about a wily group of gay guidos, is out now with Bullshit Lit. You can find them at and Instagram.
David Rosen: “Silent Lucidity" by Queensyrche
“All I'll say is if you don't want to seem a little bit crazy, don't put on a "playlist" that turns out to be "Silent Lucidity" by Queensyrche on loop and maintain total eye contact the whole time.”
David Rosen is a film music composer and the host of the Piecing It Together Podcast, a podcast about movies and the movies that inspired them. Follow him on social media @piecingpod and check out his Substack that he swears he's maybe starting at .
Most people don't want to have sex to a song that directly addresses their mother. Mitski's collegiate lament begins with the very word "Mom" and repeats it five times with growing desperation. A devastating maternal monologue, the song expresses the familiar bitterness of growing older without feeling wiser, of wanting to retreat back to childhood protection. Mitski's discography does offer a few sexy hymns (I'm looking at you Stay Soft and Pink in the Night) but Class of 2013 would just leave you existential and sobbing in your companion's lap, an intimacy only Freud may appreciate.
is a freelance film critic and culture writer often exploring the 1980s, gender, and romance in cinema. They contributed to sites including Little White Lies, TheWrap, and Polyester, and have a substack, , devoted to film and anecdotal musings.
: “Tales of Taboo” by Karen Finley
The most SEXLESS song about SEX I have ever heard is Tales of Taboo!
Nothing says infinitely-flaccid more than Windy City born performance artist Karen Finley’s 1986 S&M manifesto Tales of Taboo.
A staple that played in the pre-set intro reels of concerts during the late 80s Chicago alternative rock and new wave shows.
Board ops loved to get the PA cranking and crowd buzzing before a DEVO show with its pumping bass beat and clapping percussion. Even though you might think Taboo would make for the perfect compilation concerto, au contraire, mon frere.
When its innuendo- laced lyrics/orders are barked by high-pitched ultrafeminist Finley they will have that boner and libido of yours rising fast only to come crashing to the ground just as rapidly as you hear her reach these lyrics mid first stanza:
Let me tell you how I take the yams
I stick it up my granny’s ass
She’s a real, real nice granny
and i never touch her snatch
Cause she’s my granny
and I love her ass
I take those Belgian waffles
I smear it up her crack
and I put it up her butthole
Cause I love those Belgian waffles
You get the twisted idea as to why us 20-somethings were busting a gut instead of a nut during each hilarious listen. Sure, we were supposed to get a sex education in dominance and gender roles from the present Arts Professor at NYU/Tisch, but instead our maturing minds exploded quicker than Michael Ironside’s in David Cronenberg’s Scanners.
Once you have Finley commanding you to “suck my nub,” “put wieners in her cock” and “shit in your ears” you “bastard bitch” your aural pleasures will go right out the window along with your dirty bathwater.
(Gregory Reifsteck) is a Gen X Lifestyle/Travel Vlogger and Entertainment Expert/Personality at www.youtube.com/@hollywoodgregla, on TikTok @hollywoodgregla and here on Substack, taking you on the Raddest Journeys & Retro Adventures around LA and the world at ! Greg has also written hundreds of articles for Highfalutin Rags like Variety and Fangoria.
: “She’s So High” by Tal Bachman:
““She’s So High” by Tal Bachman turns my nethers into an instant desert. I hear the stark, nasal whine of the “high” note and my whole body is a dry rye cracker. The insipid and casual sexism-cloaked-as-compliment as he puts the object of his affection on a literal pedestal? It would make me roll my eyes but the viscous fluid is gone because I am dust. This song has taken prisoners and those prisoners are my orifices.”
Andrea Warner writes and talks. A lot. She’s a pop culture expert and the author of five books including two in 2024: The Time of My Life: Dirty Dancing and We Oughta Know: How Céline, Shania, Alanis, and Sarah Ruled the '90s and Changed Music. She’s the co-host of the weekly podcast Pop This! and an associate producer at CBC Music. Andrea is a settler who was born and raised in Vancouver on the unceded traditional territories of the Musqueam, Squamish, and Tsleil-Waututh First Nations.
(Just because Tara loves Kelly.)
: “Your Body Is A Wonderland” by John Mayer
“I swear if I was making out with someone and that came on the playlist I would leave immediately, without notice. You should know the crime you have committed, I refuse to explain it to you.”
Subscribe to Lane's Substack . Listen to Lane's Band, "Lane Moore + It Was Romance" new album out now on Mint Records, and follow her on Instagram @hellolanemoore. Lane has two books out, How to Be Alone and You Will Find Your People, and is the creator of Tinder Live.
The worst song to have sex to is "There is a Light That Never Goes Out" by the Smiths. When I was 20 or so, I attended a play party in a dank basement in Brooklyn (IYKYK). I was with my then-boyfriend, M, with whom I'd only recently gotten back together after a summer of heartbreak, and another friend I'll call D, with whom I had hooked up while M and I were broken up. One thing led to another and I found myself between the two of them on a leather cot, getting the absolute daylights fucked out of me. Despite the potential for some real awkwardness, it was basically a picture-perfect first threesome experience — until, all of a sudden, I heard a haunting voice drifting over the PA, singing, "Take me out toniiiight..." I made D and M stop immediately. I simply couldn't bring myself to continue on while a song that I associate primarily with being a gay, suicidal teenager played in the background, especially given the fact that Morrissey is famously kind of an incel, or at the very least seemingly hates sex. We all laid there in a pile of sweaty limbs, giggling for all three minutes and 56 seconds of "There is a Light That Never Goes Out," before immediately resuming as soon as it was over. I didn't, and still don't, know what was going through the DJ's mind at that moment. But I guess I have to give them a shoutout for accidentally providing what was probably a much-needed break for air/water.
James Factora is an LA-born, Brooklyn-based, Swagapino-American writer and musician. He is currently the staff writer at Them, where he covers queer and trans cultures and politics.
Becky Braunstein: God Bless the 2.S.A. (a repeat vote!)
“Initially I couldn’t decide between ‘My Yiddishe Momme’ and ‘I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas’, but I thought depending on your religious background you might be able to compartmentalize one or the other of those. So for my final answer, I’m going with ‘God Bless the USA’ by Lee Greenwood, because no one who actually has sex could possibly get through even ten seconds of that song without their crotch drying up and turning inside out like beef jerky in the sun.”
Becky Braunstein, comedian & actor - Los Angeles, CA (Shrill on Hulu, Chad on TBS, Trinkets on Netflix, Unprotected Sets on MGM+). @beckybraunstein
I decided to just screenshot this because of how this exchange with tickled me:
Shy can also be found on IG @formermissnj, and posts a monthly newsletter at shywatson.com.
Monique and John H-K: “How Bizarre” by OMC and the Friends theme song
“I used to be obsessed with making playlists and mix CDs in college. Music is so personal and essential to our experiences - a single song can be the difference between the best wedding reception you've ever been to, or the lead into your granny’s wake.
Now when it comes to matters of the bedroom, the right tunes are crucial to a sensual experience. Even though I didn’t have a lot of experience in my early college years, I would labor over “make-out mixes” and “booty bumpers” which would represent my eclectic tastes and my opinion of a song’s “fuck potential”. Some classics include: Glory Box by Portishead, Maxwell’s cover of This Woman’s Work, and Closer by Nine Inch Nails. One song I love that has never been included on one of these lists? “How Bizarre,” by OMC.
When Auckland, New Zealand’s own OMC dropped the earworm, “How Bizarre” in 1996, it seemed like it would never leave the radio. The group, constant member vocalist/rapper Pauly Fuenama and producer Alan Jasson, launched the song into the atmosphere - a classic road trip tale draped in sunny mariachi-style horns and bursting with hip hop bravado. I was OBSESSED with it, singing the chorus in an off-key screech to anyone in my house who’d listen. Of course, I had no idea what the song was actually about - Fuenama’s nasally rasp made it a little difficult for me to catch every word.
The song chronicles a random day in the life of the narrator and his two friends on the road. They get stopped by the cops because they’re brown people driving in a classic car. Then, as they stop to get gas, they notice a poster for a circus and they get pretty psyched, because who doesn’t love a circus?
Upon arriving at the circus, the trio discovers that the animals have escaped! Have they been stolen? Escaped the tyranny and oppression of the ring of their own accord? No one knows, but now a different kind of circus has erupted with the arrival of the “marines, police, reporters”. The trio make the sensible decision to hit the road again, “heading for big lights”. For anyone else who wants to know what happens next? Fuenama cheekily ends the story with, “Buy the rights!”
OMC stood for Ōtara Millionaires Club, a sort of inside joke referring to Ōtara’s status as one of the poorest suburbs in Auckland. Growing up indigenous in a rough neighborhood, Fuenama must have gotten into so many “bizzare” adventures and scrapes that influenced the story that unfolded in the song, capturing the absurdity that can evolve from the mundane. Every time he looked around, it was in his face.
“How Bizarre” is undoubtedly OMC’s signature song and their hugest hit. Pauly Fuenama became that “Ōtera Millionaire” that was joked about in his group’s name. Of course, the golden times wouldn’t last forever. Disputes with their US label put OMC on an indefinite hold, and lawsuits over royalties with his bandmates pretty much ended the band for good. Fuenama passed away in 2010 from battling a MS-like neurological disease. He was only forty years old. Bizarre? Sure, but mostly just sad.
Even though this song is still very much a banger, the bittersweet and reflective nature of the lyrics coupled with the sad ending for the group make its “fuck potential” fairly low for me. But that’s okay! I’m still pretty good at making playlists, and I’m sure I can find a place for it somewhere. I just have to keep listening.”
The Eatinist Bitch started many years ago as an affectionate moniker for a perpetually hungry person but then quickly spiraled into a way of life. Monique has spent over a decade in the culinary and hospitality industries at places like: Balthazar Bakery, Liddabit Sweets, and Russ & Daughters. She loves cooking, refining silly snack opinions, and devouring as many foods and experiences as possible to earn the title of "The Eatinist." (YouTube, Instagram) Monique lives in Jackson Heights, Queens with her husband and enjoys spending way too much money on live music, taking pictures of sunsets in the neighborhood, and eating ice cream for breakfast.
“As a child of the 90s, I grew up and enjoyed many seasons of the show Friends. The theme song “I’ll Be There for You” by The Rembrandts is etched into my brain. Before Netflix and Chill, there was DVD and Whatever. There have been moments where you watch something and get distracted. So, if I’m happily performing oral sex on a woman and the theme song to Friends starts playing, I’d say it’s a mood killer. Especially if the recipient claps their thighs against my ears in time to the song.”
John H-K. is from Queens NY. He works in media and has been happily married nearly 5 years - he hums the Indiana Jones Theme song while performing oral sex on his wife.
Ellory Smith: “A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood”
“While this song is about camaraderie and friendliness, unfornately its connections to small children and their wellbeing cannot be overlooked. The now deceased Rogers was many things, including (to some) sexy. But the red cardigan and lace-tie shoes are just not enough to separate this tune from its purpose: getting kids to sit down and pay attention.”
Ellory Smith is a writer and comedian based in LA. https://www.ellorysmith.com/ and @ellory_smith on Instagram.
: “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers:
“Okay, real talk—why would anyone put on “Mr. Brightside” during sex? Like, I love a good throwback moment, but that is not the time. The second those dramatic guitar riffs start, I’m already out of the mood. Now I’m thinking about someone creeping out of a damn closet, not getting cozy in the sheets. It’s giving heartbreak, not headboard. Save that song for karaoke night, not the bedroom, please and thank you.”
is a writer and content creator. His work has appeared in ESSENCE, Elle, Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, and many other publications, covering beauty, style, and celebrity news. He's a true Capricorn, a publicist-turned-editor, and a matcha enthusiast. larrystipsandtea.com
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I feel so overjoyed to be in the company of these esoteric experts! We did some of God’s work here for sure! God Bless this Mess!
I’m so honored to be here with my horrifying picks!!! Also I cackled so hard at the Mr Roger’s theme being included