Vanity Fair Oscar Party 2024 Fashion Recap

This is post 69. Nice.

Mar 11, 2024

A LITERAL DOORKNOCKER BELT AND BIG HAIR AND LEATHER AND GLOVES AND A BEDAZZLED CANNOLI PURSE?!?!!?! SHOULD I SUE!?! SHE HAS IMPUGNED THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF MY OWN DAMN DNA.

When I was 8 or 9, I was given a Diva Starz doll that came with plastic clothes you would snap to her front, and as you changed her into each outfit she would recite a canned phrase about it.

While fine for Alexa, I can not freely assume that wearing a hard plastic turtle shell of a crop top would allow for effortless motion, nor stringy Hulk Hogan fine doll’s hair. I therefore have a word for Margot Robbie’s stylist:

And that word is: why?

(also, I am not a dissociation trauma survivor but more an Elliott Smith trauma survivor, but my life would be far more manageable if the the Diva Starz computer game music was playing in my head during various trigger-induced fugue states)

Gorgina.

HI, MOM!!!

This may be my favorite of the night and I have no idea who this woman is.

Gorgeous, head to toe. I think far too many attendees ruined beautiful ensembles with mealy little gym buns, but Jennifer Lawrence’s hairstylist gave her enough texture and volume in the front to make this more updo than “foreheadpalooza.”

More like paint by STUNNERS - *giant hook yanks me off the bed where I’m typing this*

I read yesterday about the “office siren” trend of wearing gray work slacks, ruched-waist starched blouses, and pinstripe blazers, essentially what you would have worn in 2006 to interview for a hostess role at your local Applebees. The little John Lennon glasses are even back.

I have long maintained that this was the ugliest era in all of fashion: a concentrated and eldritch effort to glamorize white-collar work wear then, and a ghoulish Return to Office psyop now.

Et tu, Billié? Ole girl (she’s 22) has never worked a damn desk job in her life. My forced culture is not a costume, princess!!

Now where is THEIR podcast?

Demi left the house with one major accessory missing: her ONE AND A HALF POUND DOG NAMED PILAF:

LOOK AT THIS FUCKING DOG. I think about Pilaf evert day of my young life.

Pam looks so cool, and so beautiful, that I can’t even evade my guilt at thinking these colors evoke a frat house’s atomically unclean fridge.

I think Hunter Schafer may be the perfect woman.

I also think I’d look this good in this dress, because I am delulu.

I miss Thick Julia Fox who I thought I could get away with saying I looked like (delulu the sequel), but I can not impeach this Lydia Deetz dark wedding smash.

NIECY-NASH BETTS.

Holy shit. This is how I want to look every single day. All of you, pretend I look like this.

Also, all of you, send me a hot stud wife

When I gain any amount of confidence back after the last week and a half, I plan to recreate this outfit:

Winston said that Alexandra Daddario has crazy witch eyes on New Girl. He is right, and also I would go to her for some financial spellcasting rn. (I love this dress so much and it’s a favorite of the night).

Jessica Biel and a fan:

Jessica is a great actress and has been producing great stories. I make an effort to check out everything she produces lately, especially my friend Zack’s show Limetown.