127. Gene Kelly: The Original America's Ass
A handful of a discussion with Sophia Mazzella.
“You give your heart to Fred Astaire but you save your body for Gene Kelly”- film historian Jeanine Basinger
A little gift from Sophia and I to you ahead of Chrismukkah! I’ll be back with a post on Friday with The Week in Me, as usual. Merry happy!
Tara: Welcome, welcome, today is a momentous day, not for historical purpose but it is the day we have decided to talk about the one, the only America’s Ass, Gene Kelly. Sophia, are you a classic film head? Who are your favorites?
: I am a classic film devotee for sure. I grew up on Marilyn Monroe and my first screen crush was Tony Curtis. I cried in first grade because no one was obsessed with the Carmen Miranda paper dolls I brought in for show and tell and I think that pretty much sums up everything you need to know. I went to film school with the specific hope of one day being able to weigh in on a topic as essential to the culture as this one.Tara: I would have absolutely put so many fruits on that paper woman’s head with you.
Sophia: Oh, I know you would have. Missed you then but happy to have found you now. <3
Tara: I would love to get u to the rankings you so thoughtfully took the time to establish. Also, lucky girl. What a screenshotting ass-ignment. Please start wherever you prefer to get into this very vital taxonomy initiative.
Sophia: HAHAHA It was really an incredible job. I did revisit a lot of Kelly’s filmography for this assignment. The best tool I found was the PBS documentary on him, Gene Kelly: Anatomy of a Dancer (2002). If you want the full range of his ass’s capabilities (and a nice condensed history of his career) I highly recommend it. But without any further ado let’s get into the good stuff!
Sophia’s Rankings
#5 Singin in the Rain (1952)
Sophia: Singin’ in the Rain is the definitive Gene Kelly movie in my humble opinion. It is not, however, the best showcase of his ass-ets. Aside from a great showing in “You Were Made for Me with Debbie Reynolds (pictured above), I found he was mostly hidden under suits. On my rewatch I also found this movie is too fucking good for anyone’s ass to pull focus. I was immediately sucked into the brilliant filmmaking and forgot my entire assignment. The title number is pure movie magic for me that never gets stale. But we have a larger purpose for this piece than simply praising the man’s tap dancing talent!!!
Tara: His ass in this movie is so refined, I think I’ll kill myself. He looks devastatingly good in his red carpet trench coat which *Dorit Kemsley voice* Jaime, so chic, but the beauty of Gene here is in close ups of his face, and that black short-sleeve polo in the dream ballet proving that yes, the man was lifting these women UP, no stunt doubles to be seen!
#4 Anchor’s Aweigh (1945)
Sophia: I was going to have my sailor’s uniform representation be from On the Town, but upon my rewatch I really wasn’t wowed by the fit of those pants. I also have to say that next to Frank Sinatra and Jules Munshin, his ass wasn’t pulling focus the way it usually does. Shocking, I know. In another Sinatra film however, the navy issue whites finally did our man justice.
I took the screenshot above from “The Worry Song” where Gene dances with Jerry. It’s really something special the way he timed the entire dance to fit with a cartoon, not to mention the way the choreography keeps him turning around and around. We get the full 360 visuals. I might honestly have this higher on my list if he and Sinatra didn’t have a Grease “Summer Nights”-esque daterape song that kinda kills the vibe, but his ass is great in that scene too if you skip ahead to the tap dance part of the number. Sometimes our men are better seen not heard!
Tara: The particular fit of the navy bell bottom, hired right, doesn’t perfect cup the ass. A good ass really makes them pop but they hold when they should be foldin’, if you and Kenny Rogers (?)1 get my meaning. For this reason, I agree with you about On The Town, although it is hysterical to me that Frank and Jules’ dates are so ready to FUCK in the back of that taxi where Vera-Ellen is like “oh what if he learns I am really not in a position of deep glamour as Miss Turnstiles?!” Girl, it’s the fifties, it’s radical that you are even allowed to have a job, go bone the boy, hop on his country-subsidized health insurance and relax. Yes, I know this became about On The Town but this is a way for me to avoid admitting that I love singing along to “If You Knew Susie” despite it being no better than the shit Torrey Lanez has said about Megan Thee Stallion. I promise I am a feminist.
Sophia: Babe, your On the Town analysis is so essential here. It’s really tough when Gene’s smile makes misogyny go down smoother!
#3 Thousands Cheer (1943)
Tara: I have not seen this one but I wish we could exhume Eugene up there and put him in some 1970’s tiny shorts that would in no way prevent him from pulling a Lenny Kravitz that time his dick popped out anytime Gene did a little pas de bourrée. Oops. SO sorry about that, handsome!
Sophia: HAHAHA Okay full disclosure. I haven’t seen this movie either. At least not in full! I came across Gene singing “Let Me Call You Sweetheart" with a mop in this film via PBS documentary and I did have to immediately replay it because where else do we see Kelly in blue jeans?! It is SUCH a great look for him. It’s a real tragedy about the lack of shorts and what might have been... But this is also the youngest we ever see his ass on film, and I believe that’s something that needs to be celebrated.
Tara: Okay so we’re going to hang out and watch this movie and count the ass shots. Yung Ass being given a moment to shine in my home with my small beautiful children if you are not allergic. Simone I feel will especially love this experience. I don’t drink but I’ll, I don’t know, do the upside-down twerk Ilana does against the wall in the pegging episode of Broad City2 every time he hangs tush.
#2 The Pirate (1948)
Tara: Can we talk about the cigarette scene? That woman and I are like “Woo! Yeah! Being on the CARCINOGENS!” It’s one of the most disgusting things I have ever encountered in a film. It’s up there with the teeth-extraction in The Substance, because that man hotboxes her with a slimed-on saliva cigarette. But it is so horny. It is so hot. Like baby one whiff of that shit and I’d go full Bad Sandy “tell me about it, stud”-ing on the spot.
Sophia: I’m sorry, Tara, but it’s SO sexy. Like the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. The man is in the middle of a number essentially saying he hooks up with too many women to remember their names and yet I am a goner!!! Give me lung cancer, Gene!!! Your mouth would be tasting like an ashtray for the next month, but what a gorgeous moment to get you through it.
Tara: Baby, I have dated a man with a Co-star account. I have dated ran-THROUGH! That is not what is stopping me here lmao, but the 1940’s cigarette probably laced with benzos by Louis B. Mayer himself - much to take, yet…much to consider. (Because really what the fuck else was Louis up to. It seems half the job for these fucking men was gossiping about Judy Garland like hens and chasing Lana Turner around couches.)
Sophia: Oh, this is such a fair point. Mayer’s cigarettes were straight up benzos, tar, and the tears of 7 year MGM contracted players. I just went to The Pirate trivia page looking for any gossip on this and learned this was the first film the studio ever hired a production specific psychiatrist for. Judy was seeing him and also smoking four packs a day cause when was our girl not going through it. I do have to say though that I think Gene and Judy make one of the most incredibly talented pairs on screen. There’s so much power there. Crazy to think their collaboration was a flop, but also it makes perfect sense when you look at the ferret Gene is wearing on his face.
Tara: I mean. The term “fornidancing” was invented by some 19-year-old on tumblr for this reason.
#1 An American in Paris (1951)
Sophia: Okay. Singin in the Rain is a perfect American musical but An American in Paris is the perfect Gene Kelly film. I looked up a clip from the film before writing this to ensure my memory served me correctly and the first frame I saw confirmed my decision.
Like, come on.
That final seventeen minute ballet sequence is the most Gene Kelly Gene Kelly has ever been, and I witnessed it melt the cynicism of twenty film school undergrads during a Post War film course in college. All anyone could say in the discussion was how happy it made them. People were literally giggling over Gene, and there was an enormous protest when our professor revealed he’d been considering cutting it from the syllabus next semester.
This is also the movie his ass is doing the absolute MOST. He’s in those fantastic figure hugging dancer’s pants. He’s never been more sexy and adorable.
Tara: So I plan to name my future daughter if I have one after Milo Roberts, Nina Foch in this film. I can tell you exactly how old I was (16) and where I was (on my parents’ electric tan living room sofa) when I fell in love with this movie. I would have texted my best friend (then and now) Nick Messina and said: “I have seen God, and god is a pair of hot-taupe Lycra manleggings.” We watched The Pirate sometime soon after and got our fucking LIFE. The shot of Gene posed above rang out like a shot when first I saw it. Nothing about this fey little pose should really rattle me, a notorious bottom, thus. But look at those thighs. Soccer player thighs. And the little pop of his hip. AND THAT JUICY PITTSBURGH POSTERIOR. Pasture-raised, grass-fed, just-a-little-salt-because-the-meat-speaks-for-itself BEEF.
Sophia: My feelings exactly. This is why he’s the GOAT3. I mean this is cinema. This is art. What more is there?
Tara: And he winds up with that child bride Leslie Caron. You know Milo was a FREAK (with modesty holding her dress up4, but that don’t fool me) and she and Jerry would have had a TIME bouncing titties on her little balcony in one of the fancy arrondissements. Jerry girl what IS you doing?
Sophia: Oof. What a waste. It’s the fifty year old man with literal 1/3 of his age leading lady trend of Roman Holiday, Sabrina, Funny Face - wait is Audrey Hepburn okay?
Tara: Audrey, like me, was actually fine dating the old ones I think. Listen I don’t care if Gene was 80, have you SEEN him at that age with his bigass seventies Gloria Steinem goggles5? Still would.
Sophia: Oh my lord. If I’m honest, I would too. Lest we forget he was out there disco rollerskating with Sandy in Xanadu in 1980. Gene truly remained a legend through the ages.
Editing to add that yes, it’s Kenny Rogers.
“Greatest of Ass Time” - Tara
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I didn't know I needed this, and it's disturbing that I didn't know. I *needed* this. Merry Christm-ass to all, and to all a good ass!
Truly one of the hottest men